This is the first part of a Chapter in Lyin' Like a Dog.
I have been asked, "What's the finniest chapter in all of the 12 Richard, the Norphlet Paperboy books? This is it, and since it's fairly long I'll finish it in my next post.
Richard speaks:
“Oh, it
is; look at this.” I held up the big bottle of red food coloring for John
Clayton to see.
“What?”
“This is red food coloring and when
you just put a few drops in a bucket of water it’ll turn the whole entire
bucket of water red.”
“So what?”
“Well, do you remember that moron Homer
Ray is gettin’ baptized tonight?”
“Yeah, oh, wait a minute. You’re not?
Are you?”
“You bet I am, and when that
baptistery water turns red, it’s gonna be the funniest thing you ever did see.
That sorry rat will just go crazy.”
“Ain’t you worried ’bout doing
something like that in the church?”
“Naw, you know that sorry Homer Ray
is fakin’ being saved, and this’ll be okay, ’cause he’s tryin’ to trick God.”
“But won’t the preacher and Homer
Ray see the red water before they step into the baptistery?”
“Nope, ’cause it won’t be red when
they get in. Heck, I’m gonna sit it on the second step, and when they walk down
the steps, the water will come up, and all the food colorin’ will dump out in
the baptistery. Heck, after Brother Taylor dunks Homer Ray three times, the
water in that baptistery will be sloshin’ round like the ocean, and everything
in it will be red. Just imagine what that stupid Homer Ray is gonna think when
his white baptistery robe turns red. Heck, we can get Ears to tell Homer Ray
something ’bout the blood, and as dumb as Homer Ray is, he’ll think the water
has done turned to blood ’cause he’s tryin’ to fool God.”
“Shoot, Richard, that probably will
shake up someone as stupid as Homer Ray, but won’t it bother Brother Taylor,
and what ’bout all the people out in the church? What are they gonna think when
the baptistery water turns red?”
“I swear, John Clayton, you try to
make something outta everything. Won’t nobody in the church, but that moron
Homer Ray, pay no attention to that water. Heck, you worry too much. Don’t you
want to get even with that worthless bully?”
“Yeah, I sure do, but I don’t know,
Richard. If I was just sittin’ out in the church, and all of a sudden the
baptistery waster turned red, I’d kinda be upset. You know that would look a
whole lot like a miracle.”
“Well, I guess I shoulda called
Ears. Are you gonna chicken out on me?”
“No I ain’t, but I think you’re
wrong if you don’t think some folks are gonna get upset.”
“Aw, who cares? This is too good of
a trick not to do. We’ve been waiting forever to get even with Homer Ray. Come
on. Let’s put this jar of food colorin’ on the baptistery steps and head back
home.”
Well, we headed for the side door of the church, which we
knew was never locked, and soon we were standing in the back of the church,
ready to climb the steps to the baptistery.
“Wait a minute, Richard, I just
thought of something else. I don’t know if we should be doin’ this. Heck, what
if we make God mad?”
“Naw, we ain’t gonna make God mad.
Shoot, if you was God and sorry Homer Ray, who really wasn’t saved, but was trying
to fool folks, got all worked up ’cause the baptistery water turned red, what
would you do?”
“Laugh?”
“Yeah, God’s gonna laugh.”
“I hope so, but what if…?”
“Dang, you whiner; shut up. Come on
and let’s put this jar in the baptistery.”
Well, it didn’t take us but a few
minutes to put the jar of red food coloring on one of the steps leading down
into the water, where, when Brother Taylor and Homer Ray came down into the
water, the jar would be turned over. We were outta the church in less than five
minutes. I couldn’t help but just snicker as I walked back toward Main Street
thinking about what was gonna happen. Gosh, this was gonna be the best trick
I’d ever come up with.
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