thenorphletpaperboy: Panic in Langley Bottom--an excerpt

thenorphletpaperboy: Panic in Langley Bottom--an excerpt: Deep in Langley Bottom the boys come across an old house place: ........“Uh, huh, and you had better watch out, ’cause check out tha...

Panic in Langley Bottom--an excerpt

Deep in Langley Bottom the boys come across an old house place:

........“Uh, huh, and you had better watch out, ’cause check out that spider over by the wall. It’s a durn Black Widow.”

Yeah, it sure was, and as we climbed the stairs to the second floor it seemed Black Widow spiders were everywhere. I don’t think I have ever seen so many. Well, we were real careful, and when we reached the second floor we started going from room to room. They were all empty with the doors off, except one room at the end of the hall.

I opened the door and peeked in.

“Hey, they left something in this room.” I could see that the room wasn’t completely empty, and there was something that looked like furniture in the dim light. John Clayton followed me in, and, sure enough, there was some stuff that had been left in the room.

“Hey, look at this, a desk and chair. I wonder why they totally cleaned out the house except for this room?” I wondered aloud.

“Shoot, let’s open the drawers, and see if they’re full of hundred-dollar bills.” John Clayton said. He kinda skipped over and sat down at the desk, propped his feet up, and acted as if he was in charge.

“Just a minute, my man. I have your thousand-dollar bonus right here in my desk drawer.”  Yeah, I was laughing up a storm, and I stuck my hand out to get my fake bonus as John Clayton pulled the desk drawer open and reached in to get my money.

“Ahaaaaaaa!”

Wow, he jumped straight up, just waving his hand like he’d shook hands with the Devil, and then I saw it. A little brown lizard was in the drawer, and it had jumped on his hand when he reached in the drawer. Well, it was a pretty good laugh, but John Clayton didn’t think it was that hilarious.

“I ain’t openin’ no more desk drawers!” he yelled. He shook his hand around just to be sure the lizard had hopped off, and came over to where I was standing.

“Well, the desk and chair are the only things in the room,” I said.  “Let’s go back downstairs and head for the field behind the house. Heck, we came to look for arrowheads not rummage through an old house.”

 I took one last look around the room before we left. There were several windows with shades that were pulled down to where the room was nearly dark, but there was one broken window where the top part of the glass was open, which let a little light into the room. We stood there for a few seconds looking around, to be sure the room was completely empty, except for the desk and chair, like all the other rooms in the house, but then I noticed a closet that had the top of the door busted open. It was kinda funny looking ’cause the busted part of the closet door was the only place in the room where the sun from the broken window pane shinned through.

“Look at the corner behind you, John Clayton; I wonder what’s behind that closet door?”          John Clayton was standing about 10 feet from the closet door, and he turned to look at it.

“Hey, we’ll find out in about two seconds,” he said. And then he walked across the room toward the door, just as we heard this noise again.

“Noooooooooooooo.”

Naw, I didn’t think the wind was blowing, and something deep inside me was causing the hair on the back of my neck to stand straight up. And right then something just shouted inside my head, Don’t open that door!

John Clayton was almost to the door when I yelled, “Don’t open that door!”

“What? Why?     ??? 

“Something inside of me just told me to not open that closet door.”

“That sounds so stupid, Richard. Why shouldn’t I open it?”

“I don’t know. I just have this bad feeling.”

“Do you think there’s anything in this closet?” he questioned.

“Nope, I’ll bet it’s just like the rest of the house, but something just tells me not to open it.it.”

“Well, there ain’t nothin’ or nobody tellin’ me not to open it, so I’m gonna check it out.”

That was about a second before he yanked the closet door open.

“Ahasaaaaa! Oh, my God!”

At first I didn’t know what was happening, because everything was just a blur with some things just filling the air, and then John Clayton let out another scream, “Ahhhhhhhh! Something is tangled up in my hair!”

About that time, I noticed the room was just full of some flying things, and from the looks of it there were hundreds. Yeah, I figured it out pretty fast.

“Bats!” I yelled. “The closet is a bat roost, and you have one in your hair!” I yelled.

Well, John Clayton finally got the bat out of his hair, and the rest of the bats flew out through the broken window. Uh, huh, that scared the do-waddle out of us, but after we calmed down a bit, we finally just laughed. Okay, maybe I just laughed ’cause John Clayton didn’t think it was that funny having a bat tangled up in his bushy brown hair.

---

thenorphletpaperboy: Seven Five Star Reviews!

thenorphletpaperboy: Seven Five Star Reviews!: Southern Historical fiction set in 1945 during the Second World War. Previous novels of this series have been favorably compared to Mark Tw...

Seven Five Star Reviews!

Southern Historical fiction set in 1945 during the Second World War. Previous novels of this series have been favorably compared to Mark Twain's Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. The 13 book series has garnered numerous five star Amazon reviews. The series is a nostalgic look at a time when families huddled by the radio, with young boys listening to The Lone Ranger and The Green Hornet. Later the adults would tune in famous newscaster Walter Winchell; "Good evening Mr. and Mrs. North and South America and all the ships at sea....this just in...General Patton's army continues to march across Germany..." The numerous Amazon Five Star Reviews have all been from adults, but the readers of these books have ranged from teens to senior adults. The series is truly a book for all ages. Several reviewers have called Richard Mason "Americas' New Mark Twain."

thenorphletpaperboy: Part two---funniest writing

thenorphletpaperboy: Part two---funniest writing: Me and John Clayton stood there and talked until about 6:15 , and then I told him to go find Ears and meet me at the side door of the...

Part two---funniest writing

Me and John Clayton stood there and talked until about 6:15, and then I told him to go find Ears and meet me at the side door of the church. In a couple of minutes John Clayton walked up with Ears, and I pulled Ears aside.

            “Listen, Ears, we’ve got a great trick planned for that idiot, Homer Ray, and we want you to help.”

            “Homer Ray? You betcha I’ll help. I hate that sorry kid.”

            “Well, Ears, we’ll tell you everything when you get back from talking with Homer Ray.”

            “What? Why do you want me to go talk to Homer Ray?”

            “Well, Ears, if me or John Clayton tells him anything, he won’t believe us ‘cause we’re always pullin’ stuff on him.”

            “Okay, what do you want me to tell him?”

            “Just say this, ‘Homer Ray, you know that if you ain’t really saved the blood will get you.’ “Then give him a real weird look.”

            “Huh?”

            “What the heck does ‘The blood will get you’ mean?”

            “We’ll, tell you when you get back, and Homer Ray won’t know either until…“ and I started laughing.

            “Okay, get goin’, Ears.”

            Ears slipped in the side door, and sure enough Homer Ray was standing there at the steps to the baptistery wearing his white baptismal robe waiting for Brother Taylor.

            “Homer Ray,” whispered Ears, “remember, if you ain’t really saved, the blood’ll get you.”

            “What? What in the hell are you talking about, Ears?”

            Well, Ears just gave Homer Ray this spooky look and walked away with Homer Ray still asking him what he meant.

            We were just about ready to go into the church when Rosalie and Freckles came walking down the sidewalk heading for the front door of the church.

            “Richard, I gotta tell Freckles. Shoot, I don’t want her to get upset with me if she finds out we did the blood trick.”

            “No, you ain’t ‘bout to tell her, ‘cause she’ll blab it to Rosalie, and Miss Goody Two-Shoes will go straight to Brother Taylor. You’ll blow the whole trick if you tell Freckles.”

            “Dang, Richard, what if she gets upset when she sees the water turn red?”

            “Ah, you worry too much, John Clayton. Take my word for it, she’ll just think it’s the funniest thing she ever did see, and she’ll think you’re great for being part of the trick.”

            Well, John Clayton kinda whined like he was still scared the trick was gonna upset Freckles, who he had started liking, but he and Ears followed me around back, and we slipped in the side door of the church and got right down front on the front row. Heck, this was the first time in our whole entire lives that any of us had ever sat on the front seat of the church, but we were so excited about what was about to happen that we didn’t want to miss nothing. I looked over to my right, and there was Freckles and Rosalie sitting with a bunch of other girls on the front row of the side pew, and then I looked toward the back of the church where Connie was sitting, and she shook her head at me. That made me a little worried, but heck, just thinking about what was about to happen had me snickering.

            The baptistery in our church is about four feet deep with steps going down each side and in the front it’s glass for about two feet where you can see the person when they go under the water. We settled down and the organ began to play, “Are You Washed in the Blood,” and I couldn’t believe it. Heck, it was just like the organist was in on the trick. Well, after playing through that song our song leader asked everyone to stand and we sang another song ‘bout a fountain filled with blood, then another verse ‘bout being washed in the blood. Course, every time me and John Clayton sang out “blood,” it came out as a laugh or snicker. Heck, we were just about to he-haw by the time we finished singing those songs. I looked over at the girls, and they was smiling and singing their little hearts out, just like girls do at revivals when they’re trying to show off and act real religious. Then we were seated, and the lights went off in the back of the church, and Brother Taylor turned on a real bright one over the baptistery.

            I was holding my breath as Homer Ray came sloshing in from one side nearly splashing water over the top, and Brother Taylor came in from the other and met him in the middle of the baptistery. Everything looked normal, and Brother Taylor started in talking about baptism and how Homer Ray was gonna be washed white as snow by the blood of the lamb. Well, when Brother Taylor said “Blood of the Lamb” me and John Clayton started snickering again, and then Brother Taylor started talking about how the blood of Jesus was shed for us and then started asking Homer Ray the salvation questions. We were watching the water, but nothing seemed to be happening. Then Brother Taylor grabbed Homer Ray for the first of three dippings.

            “In the name of the Father!” and swoosh, Homer Ray went under and came up with a splash that almost sent water over the top of the baptistery. “Heck, that food dye ain’t strong enough to turn the water red,” I thought.

            “In the name of the Son!”

            This time when Homer Ray went under, I thought the water was looking kinda funny. Homer Ray came up spitting water, and then, just as Brother Taylor was about to grab him for the third dunking, Homer Ray looked down at his white baptistery robe, which was turning red, and then he looked at the water and at Brother Taylor’s sleeves which were now red. Gosh, I looked at Homer Ray’s light bond hair and it was red.

            Well, what happened then was really something to see. Brother Taylor didn’t seem to see the red water, and he was reaching for Homer Ray for the third dunking, when Homer Ray let out a yell like nothing you’ve ever heard.

            “Ahaaaaaaa! Blood! Blood! The water’s done turned to blood! The blood is gonna get me! Ahaaaaaaaa! Eyeeeeeeeeee!”

            I glanced over to where the girls were seated, and they had their hands over their mouths in shock.

            Well, we were trying to hold back a huge laugh, and I almost died trying to keep from just hoo-hawing. Brother Taylor never got to dunk Homer Ray that last time because Homer Ray bolted outta that baptistery like a scalded dog, and you could hear him still yelling as he ran outta the church. Course, I thought that’d be it, and Brother Taylor would come on out of the baptistery and preach his usual hour long sermon, but, holy cow, before he could come out, people kinda made a big gasp all over the church and then Brother Taylor looked around and realized all the baptistery water was red and so was his robe. I guess he thought it was a major miracle straight from God. Course, everybody in the church saw Brother Taylor’s white robe and baptistery water turn red, then, whoa, hold on to your horses, because they was just one loud “Ohooooooooo!” and things just got wild, and people started shouting, waving their hands, and going on like an out-of -control revival.

Heck, I looked around, and just plain old church members that had never even said “Amen” in church was wailing and shouting like Jesus was in that baptistery, and then I glanced over to where the girls were sitting, and they were just slap-dab frozen in their seats.

Heck, this whole thing was getting outta hand and John Clayton was pulling on my sleeve saying, “Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Look what you’ve caused, Richard!”

“Shut up, John Clayton!”

 Well, I didn’t have time to say nothing else because you could hear people shouting, “Blood! It’s blood! The water’s done turned to blood!” Wow, folks started hitting the floor, swooning or praying or just scared outta their wits. There was a rush up and down the aisle, and ‘bout 50 people ran out of the church screaming like the Devil had got them, and Brother Taylor wasn’t helping none.

“Brothers! Sisters!” he yelled from the baptistery, “The Lord has touched us tonight!”

Then he held up his hands, which really did look like blood was dripping off them, and everyone could see his baptistery robe was red. My gosh, in my wildest dreams I never expected nothing like what swept over that church. Course, Brother Taylor started yelling halleluiahs and praying like a possessed man, holding his hands up, and then he said in the most booming voice, “Judgment Day! Judgment Day! The Lord is coming! The Lord is coming! He’ll be here in an instant! It’s the Second Coming! I can almost hear the trumpets! Lord, come take us away!” Then he said something that I’ll bet he regretted.

“The Lord is coming! Repent! Repent! Come and confess your sins! Judgment is coming, right here—tonight!”

Whoa, he shouldn’t have said that because evidently a bunch of folks in the church wasn’t ready for the judgment of the Lord to come, and they started shouting, “Oh, save me, Lord! Save me, Lord,” and then old Miss Parson, who’s about 106, lay down on the Lord’s supper table, held up her hands, and screamed, “Take me to heaven, Lord!”

Well, that was wild enough, but then a bunch of people started repenting---you know—confessing their sins out loud, heck, shouting their confessions as loud as they could, like the Lord was deaf or something. I thought Norphlet was a quiet little town where people just went about their business, but when them confessions started rolling out, I knew real quickly that there was stuff going on that I didn’t have a clue about. Things kinda went crazy for a couple of minutes; then the Chairman of Deacons, Claude McAlister stood up and said, “Oh, Lord, forgive me!” and when he said that everybody got real quiet for just a second. Then he said in his loud, squeaky voice, “I’ve been sleeping with……” I didn’t catch the last part, but evidently a bunch of folks did because there was this big gasp, and then, heck, they was a stampede of people heading down front to pray, and Brother Taylor started outta the baptistery. Then, when he was coming up the steps, he looked down and saw the jar that had the red food coloring in it. There was a little bit left, and he picked up the jar, shook his head, and headed for the pulpit.

When Brother Taylor came down outta the baptistery he had to come in the side door and walk right past the row of girls sitting on the side front row, and he was in such a hurry to get into the church and tell everybody it was food coloring that he just ran in swinging his arms and yelling to get everybody’s attention. Heck, he sure got those girls’ attention when he burst through that door in that red baptistery robe with red food  coloring dripping off of it. Them girls were just plastered back against that pew with their mouths open. Well, all that arm waving by Brother Taylor slung red food coloring all over that row of girls, which they thought was blood, and you should have heard them scream.

Shoot, I looked at Rosalie, and that red food coloring was dripping off her nose, and then, after another set of screams, the girls scattered like a covey of quail.

            Heck, me, John Clayton, and Ears had been standing there with our mouths open, just watching everything, and John Clayton was going on and on about what we had caused. Heck, we couldn’t take none of it back now, so I knew the time had come to bail outta the church.

“Come on, get outta here!” I whispered to Ears and John Clayton as I scooted out of my seat. We hit the back door of the church running before anybody could look around and point any fingers.

thenorphletpaperboy: The funniest chapter I have ever written!

thenorphletpaperboy: The funniest chapter I have ever written!: This is the first part of a Chapter in Lyin' Like a Dog. I have been asked, "What's the finniest chapter in all of the 12...

The funniest chapter I have ever written!

This is the first part of a Chapter in Lyin' Like a Dog.

I have been asked, "What's the finniest chapter in all of the 12 Richard, the Norphlet Paperboy books? This is it, and since it's fairly long I'll finish it in my next post.

Richard speaks:

“Oh, it is; look at this.” I held up the big bottle of red food coloring for John Clayton to see.

            “What?”

            “This is red food coloring and when you just put a few drops in a bucket of water it’ll turn the whole entire bucket of water red.”

            “So what?”

            “Well, do you remember that moron Homer Ray is gettin’ baptized tonight?”

            “Yeah, oh, wait a minute. You’re not? Are you?”

            “You bet I am, and when that baptistery water turns red, it’s gonna be the funniest thing you ever did see. That sorry rat will just go crazy.”

            “Ain’t you worried ’bout doing something like that in the church?”

            “Naw, you know that sorry Homer Ray is fakin’ being saved, and this’ll be okay, ’cause he’s tryin’ to trick God.”

            “But won’t the preacher and Homer Ray see the red water before they step into the baptistery?”

            “Nope, ’cause it won’t be red when they get in. Heck, I’m gonna sit it on the second step, and when they walk down the steps, the water will come up, and all the food colorin’ will dump out in the baptistery. Heck, after Brother Taylor dunks Homer Ray three times, the water in that baptistery will be sloshin’ round like the ocean, and everything in it will be red. Just imagine what that stupid Homer Ray is gonna think when his white baptistery robe turns red. Heck, we can get Ears to tell Homer Ray something ’bout the blood, and as dumb as Homer Ray is, he’ll think the water has done turned to blood ’cause he’s tryin’ to fool God.”

            “Shoot, Richard, that probably will shake up someone as stupid as Homer Ray, but won’t it bother Brother Taylor, and what ’bout all the people out in the church? What are they gonna think when the baptistery water turns red?”

            “I swear, John Clayton, you try to make something outta everything. Won’t nobody in the church, but that moron Homer Ray, pay no attention to that water. Heck, you worry too much. Don’t you want to get even with that worthless bully?”

            “Yeah, I sure do, but I don’t know, Richard. If I was just sittin’ out in the church, and all of a sudden the baptistery waster turned red, I’d kinda be upset. You know that would look a whole lot like a miracle.”

            “Well, I guess I shoulda called Ears. Are you gonna chicken out on me?”

            “No I ain’t, but I think you’re wrong if you don’t think some folks are gonna get upset.”

            “Aw, who cares? This is too good of a trick not to do. We’ve been waiting forever to get even with Homer Ray. Come on. Let’s put this jar of food colorin’ on the baptistery steps and head back home.”

Well, we headed for the side door of the church, which we knew was never locked, and soon we were standing in the back of the church, ready to climb the steps to the baptistery.

            “Wait a minute, Richard, I just thought of something else. I don’t know if we should be doin’ this. Heck, what if we make God mad?”

            “Naw, we ain’t gonna make God mad. Shoot, if you was God and sorry Homer Ray, who really wasn’t saved, but was trying to fool folks, got all worked up ’cause the baptistery water turned red, what would you do?”

            “Laugh?”

            “Yeah, God’s gonna laugh.”

            “I hope so, but what if…?”

            “Dang, you whiner; shut up. Come on and let’s put this jar in the baptistery.”

            Well, it didn’t take us but a few minutes to put the jar of red food coloring on one of the steps leading down into the water, where, when Brother Taylor and Homer Ray came down into the water, the jar would be turned over. We were outta the church in less than five minutes. I couldn’t help but just snicker as I walked back toward Main Street thinking about what was gonna happen. Gosh, this was gonna be the best trick I’d ever come up with.

thenorphletpaperboy: Runaways

thenorphletpaperboy: Runaways: “We have two sleeper reservations in coach number two,” Momma said. The man hurried to move our bags over to a little cart, and then he ...

Runaways

“We have two sleeper reservations in coach number two,” Momma said. The man hurried to move our bags over to a little cart, and then he turned and asked Momma, “What’s your destination?”

“Oklahoma City.”

Runaways is part of the Richard, the Paperboy series. Richard and John Clayton turn fourteen in New Orleans---on Bourbon Street!

.....Heck, just hearing Momma say that nearly sent me over the edge again, but I took a deep breath and tried not to be upset. A whistle broke into my thoughts as the Rocket approached the station. Yeah, me and Momma had ridden the Rocket when I was 10 on a trip to see grandmother, who lives in Wetumpka, but this was different. As the big, red engine pulled into the station, the excitement at seeing the Rocket was replaced by the dread of leaving the only life I knew. And then the conductor yelled out: “All aboard the Rock Island Rocket! Little Rock, Fort Smith, and Oklahoma City and all stations in between! All aboard!”

“Come on, Richard; I’ll be right behind you. Just turn left and look for seats 1-A and 1-B. We’ll sit there until they make up our sleepers at eight o’clock.”

Momma gave me a little shove, and I started up the steps into the coach car. I made it to the top step, and then I stopped. I couldn’t make myself go another inch. I heard Momma say, “Richard, go on into the car and find our seats.” But I still didn’t move. Momma started pushing me, and then I looked up and there stood the conductor.

“Son, there’s nothing to be afraid of. The Rocket is the safest passenger train on tracks.”

I still didn’t move, but with Momma pushing and the conductor pulling, I made it into the coach car.

“Richard, find 1-A and 1-B,” Momma said, trying to calm me down and give me something to do. I slowly walked down the aisle, and right at the end of the coach, I found our seats. I plopped down and stuck my nose to the window trying to take in as much of South Arkansas as I could before I left it.

“Richard, I know you’re upset, but remember all those nights that your Daddy came in drunk and upset everybody so much? Just think about not having to worry about that ever again. You can sleep sound knowing you won’t have to get up and try to calm down your father. And you’ll make so many new friends.”

“But Momma, I already have friends! And I’m leaving Sniffer…” Momma put her arm around me and tried to calm me. About that time, I heard the conductor blow a whistle and the train gave a jerk.

“Momma, I think I’m gonna be sick. I need to go to the restroom.”

“Okay, Richard, it’s at the back of the car.”

I got up, walked the length of the car, and…passed the restroom. I looked back, and Momma was reading a newspaper. Bye Momma, crossed my mind as I turned to the exit door and hopped off the slow-moving train.

thenorphletpaperboy: Scores from Surviving Marriage

thenorphletpaperboy: Scores from Surviving Marriage: YOUR SCORE    (go back and take the test.)                                                         ______ Total your points and check...

Scores from Surviving Marriage

YOUR SCORE   (go back and take the test.)                                                    ______

Total your points and check the results below.—1600 possible points

                          Test analysis

Over 1500….an exceptional high quality marriage…you’re in the top (5%.) Pat yourself on the back.

Over 1280….a good strong marriage---but could stand some moderate improvement. You're in the top (20%.)

Over 1120….well above average, but you’re a good candidate to move up to that magic 5%. You're in the top (30%.)

Over 960….Above average, but you have some critical marriage problems to solve. You're in the top (40%) category.

Over 800…You need to make some drastic changes or the marriage won’t last. You're in the (50%) category.

Over 640…Unless you make some changes, find a good lawyer. You're in the bottom (40%) category.

            A final word: By reading this book you’ve shown you care about your marriage and want to improve it. The premises of this book is very simple: A high quality marriage is the best life possible. If you believe this, then, by examining your marriage and applying the concepts listed in the various chapters, you can raise the quality of your marriage to a new level. It may be that your score is relatively good…maybe above  twelve-hundred. However,  even if you have a good quality marriage, there is always room for improvement.