Monday, May 29, 2017
thenorphletpaperboy: Left Lives Matter
thenorphletpaperboy: Left Lives Matter: ARKANSAS BY RICHARD MASON ...
Left Lives Matter
ARKANSAS
BY
RICHARD MASON
Left Lives
Matter
I know that sounds trite to you righties,
but live a day as a lefty, and you’ll at least have a little sympathy for a
small segment of our society. Lefties make up about 10% of the
population, and we have
faced discrimination since the beginning of recorded history. According to some
reports, left-handers suffered severe prejudice during the 18th and 19th
centuries, and it was often “beaten out” of them. Even the Latin word for
“left” has as an alternate meaning, “sinister.”
The trials and
tribulations of a lefty start early in school when your teacher places a
writing tablet on a right-handed desk, and you have to do a crab claw turn of
you left hand to even write..
Discrimination of
a lefty goes everywhere. Consider a dining night out. A lefty must drive in a
right-handed designed car, and of course even to start the car you have to
reach across to the 'right' side, and then, drive on the right side of the
road. Then when you pull into the restaurant parking lot, your wife will
invariable say, "You're going the wrong way!" Yes, all parking lots
are designed for righties. That’s one of the reasons why an estimated 2500
lefties die each year trying to navigate right-hand roads, road signs, and
power saws. Of course, all office and shop equipment is designed for a righty,
and so are power saws. Lefties who work with table saws and other power
equipment rarely have ten fingers.
After a lefty is
seated at a restaurant, they must change the place-setting to a left setting,
put up with being served from the wrong side, as if they were a righty, and
they can't even butter their bread because there is a right-handed butter
knife.
Of course, I do
have some satisfaction to know that there are no left-handed Muslim terrorists,
(All Muslims are taught to use their right hand, and use their left hand when
wiping at the toilet.).And most of the dictators from the beginning of time
we're righties. Vladimir Putin, Hitler, Napoleon, Mussolini, Tojo, Count
Dracula, and Stalin are or were righties, and Pope Francis and Billy Graham are
lefties.--A coincidence? I don’t think so.
Ah, but we lefties
have some built in advantages, and if you have ever tried to return a lefties
tennis serve to the add court, you realize lefties can do some things a lot
better than a righty, and that’s why 40% of the top tennis pros are lefties.
Yes, sports do give lefties a boost and Babe Ruth, Arnold Palmer, Jimmy Connors
and John McEnroe are proof. Another study of left handed college graduates and
right handed graduates show lefties turn out to be 26% richer than righties.
And a study from St. Lawrence University in New York finds that more lefties
score higher than 140 on an I. Q. test than righties. I guess that mean we
lefties are smarter and richer than the rest of the world.
Famous lefties
have been responsible for most of what we take for granted in this old world.
Just a few come to mind: Benjamin Franklin, Churchill, Mozart, Rembrandt, and
Van Gogh, and if you want a little glamor, consider Marilyn Monroe and Angelina
Jolie. I do have a good bit of satisfaction knowing that most of the
creative items of our society were invented by lefties. When you call on your
cell phone or type on a computer, thank a lefty. That's right Steve Jobs is a lefty, and so is
Bill Gates, and don't forget, if you like Facebook, another lefty, Mark
Zuckerberg invented it. And if we look back into almost any of the former
creative people that have ever lived, we have a list of notables: Leonardo Da
Vinci, Michelangelo, Picasso, and Albert Einstein; all lefties. Of course, the
first and second man on the Moon were lefties; Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin,
And, if we
consider presidents for a moment, you will find, of the last four presidents,
three, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, and George Bush Sr. were lefties, and of
course George W. Bush was a righty—figures. I know you’re wondering about
Hillary—yes she’s a lefty and The Donald is a righty
Well, as in most
areas of discrimination, it takes a long time for the majority to recognize a
need to right wrongs, and since lefties are a humble, contrite minority of our
population, we likely won't be demonstrating in the streets protesting our
plight, but maybe one day on your tax return there will be a box saying, “Check, if you are a lefty and deduct 10%
from your tax due.” Actually, as a whole, lefties are the most creative
people on earth, and we should honor lefties with a national holiday. August 13
is International Left Hander’s Day,
but it should be a national holiday like Christmas, where the righties of the
world give gifts of appreciation to lefties in recognition of their creativity.
Yes,
Left Lives Matter!
Sunday, May 21, 2017
WAR PAINT
ARKANSAS
BY
RICHARD
MASON
War Paint
You know, I really like the peace and quiet of South
Arkansas and living in El Dorado where I'm 5 minutes away from everywhere I
want to be. But after a while, peace and quiet can get to you. That's when
Vertis and I get the urge to fly the coop, and we head for the place where
peace and quiet is the furthest thing from your mind. Of course, for us, that's
New York City.
Well, when we started making our plans, Vertis
announced she wanted to see the musical War Paint. Yeah, that sounded okay to me. I
figured it would be something like the life of Geronimo set to music and dance.
I didn't even get those thoughts out of my mouth when my dear, sweet wife set
me straight. Geronimo nor any other Indians weren't in the picture. You see,
Broadway types have this strange way of naming plays, and if you think they
would name a play, "A Musical
about Helena Rubinstein and Elizabeth Arden" which it is, then you
probably couldn't find Broadway from Times Square. So, a musical play about two
cosmetic queens was named War Paint.---get
it? Two women who started two major cosmetic companies had a heated
competition, which was set to song and dance. Wow, I couldn't wait to snap up
those ticket. Okay, that's my understatement of the year, but after a little
negotiating, we bought the tickets. Actually, I settled for two Gladiator type
movies to be named at a later date. Well, a few days later we found ourselves
in line with a sea of ladies, and that is another understatement. I would
venture a guess that ladies outnumbered men by at least 30 to 1. But, you know,
a guy surrounded by several thousand women is sure not all bad, and I won't say
any more about that or the very tiny skirts or short shorts that seemed to be
everywhere, since Vertis will read this. But I’ll admit I had an almost frozen
smile as we waited in line. We took our seats in front of a curtain that
covered the entire stage opening, and if you still weren't sure what the play
was about, the picture of gorgeous blonde with four foot high bright red lips
sure gave you a hint about the show.
And, just to put us guys in our place, the before
the play started lady announcer, after telling everyone to silence their cell
phones, said, "Welcome, ladies ...and
your escorts." Yeah, that got a good laugh from everyone but us few
guys, and then the play started. Well, it seems back in the 20s and 30s only
"Ladies of the night" and actors wore what you or I would call
makeup. Helena Rubinstein and Elizabeth Arden started their own corporations,
and they were determined to change how ladies wore makeup. Did they succeed?
Just check out any non-cult female over the age of 10. But that's just part of
the story. After a few years these two women became the heads of two major
corporations at a time when the corporate executives were virtually all male,
and it was tough sledding. Only a few decades had passed since women received
the right to vote, and the male only corporate culture was full of discrimination
against women. Even during the Second World War, when the two women asked "What can we do to help the War effort?
They were told, "Women can't do
anything in a war." One of the women’s reply brought a roar from the
ladies in the audience, "What about
Joan of Arc?"
And then another mummer of disapproval swept through
the audience, when both women, separately, tried to buy an apartment in an
exclusive section of New York. "We're
sorry, but a woman in business is not the type of tenant we desire."
Yes, some of the growls from the audience were more than mummers. Helena
Rubinstein, who at that time was one of the richest women in the world, was so
infuriated she bought the entire apartment complex.
The stars, Patti Lupone as Helena Rubinstein and
Christina Emersole as Elizabeth Arden were excellent. Both of these Broadway
seasoned stars can really belt it out, and when Patti Lupone nailed some of
those notes at the top of her range, the audience burst into cheers.
Well, as the two senior ladies, in the last years of
their careers were finally together to receive a presentation, a young lady
came out to lead them to the podium. She said, "If you'll just follow me.” Those words were barely out of the
young ladies mouth, when Elizabeth Arden belted out, "Young lady, we don't follow! We lead!"
The ladies in the audience were just waiting for
that line, and they leaped to their feet with a roar.
As we left the theater, I noticed several women
wiping their eyes and shaking their heads. It wasn't a sad play, but it did
tell the story of two tough-as-nails women, and how they succeeded in spite of discrimination.
Yes, the play was a lot more than convincing women to use face cream and
lipstick, and.... I did like the play.
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
thenorphletpaperboy: Are You "Of the South?"
thenorphletpaperboy: Are You "Of the South?": ARKANSAS By Richard Mason Are You ...
Are You "Of the South?"
ARKANSAS
By
Richard Mason
Are You "Of the South"?
Most people might
think just living in the South makes you a Southerner...but they'd be wrong.
You are not a true, dyed-in-the-wool Southerner unless you are "Of the
South." Okay, now let me be real upfront with you. My definition of a
Southerner and the South is going to hack off some folks, because just living
in the South doesn't make you a Southerner. I lived in Libya for a couple of
years, but I sure didn't think of myself as a Libyan, and if I had lived there
another 50 years I still wouldn't consider myself a Libyan. I'm a Southern
because I am "Of the South". Here's my definition of a Southerner.
But first, let me
give you a quick overview of what is actually the current landmass called the
American South. Nope, it's not the old Confederacy. Certain sections of the
South have lost their identify, and can no longer be called part of the South.
Just because a 100 years ago a section of land was populated by true
Southerners doesn't make it part of the South today. If the majority of people
who now make up its population aren't "Of the South", then that place
can no longer be part of the South. Yes, we've lost some of the South, but it
doesn't mean that some Southerners don't live there. It means that migration
into an area of the South has changed the Southern nature so much that it no
longer can be called part of the South. Examples? Northwest Arkansas, Dallas,
Houston, and the south half of Florida. (Those places were marginal to begin
with.) New Orleans? Actually, New Orleans fits in another category, but I don't
know what to call it. Southerners love New Orleans. It's a little wicked,
dangerous, and the food is great, but Southerners don't really think of New
Orleans as part of the South. It's really an appendage attached to the South,
and we go there as a relief from the boredom, which is the real South. But back
to my definition as to who is a Southerner.
As an example, of
who can call themselves a Southerner, and who is "Of the South,"
let's go to a typical Southern back porch and listen in to a friendly
conversation between neighbors; Billy Ray Davis and his wife Carol and John
Ralf Moniz and his wife Laura Lee. The men work at a manufacturing plant in
Fairhope, Alabama.
"Say, John
where do y'all go to church" (Billy Ray, who asked the question, gets a
point for asking a very Southern question and another point for having a
Southern name, but that's not enough to make him "Of the
South".)
John answers,
"Well, I was raised Episcopalian, but Laura was brought up Baptist. Laura
is still a Baptist, and I show up when the Episcopalian have a social event.
(John is off to a slow start. He loses 2 points for having a very un-southern
last name and loses another point for not calling his wife Laura Lee, loses
another point for being raised Episcopalian.) Laura picks up a couple of points
being Baptist, but so far we don't have enough info to say any of the four are
true Southerners. But the next question will shed a lot more light on who is
"Of the South".
Laura Lee, who, in
her spare time, works for the local genealogy society, teaches Sunday School at
First Baptist, and sings in the choir, asks, "Billy Ray where's home?"
"Well, I was
born in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania."
"What? You
can't be serious, you sound as Southern as anybody I've ever been around,"
she replied.
"Well, my dad
and his family had always lived in and around Birmingham, but after he met and
married my mother, who was from Pennsylvania, my dad tried Pennsylvania for a few
years. He couldn’t stand the cold winters, so he moved the family back
south." (You might think being born outside the South would kill any
chances of being "Of the South" but no; a true Southerner transcends
a physical location. Yes, Billy Ray is "Of the South"---barely, but
Carol, his wife, isn't, even though she has lived in the South for 15 years.)
Now, John speaks
up, "I'm a transplanted Yankee. I met Laura during a Spring Break trip to
Florida. My family has always lived in New Jersey, but I've lived over half my
life in the South so you might say I've become a Southerner." (No, John
you are not an "Of the South" Southerner.)
"Well, I guess
I'm the only true Southerner here," said Laura Lee. "My family has
always lived in Georgia, and my middle name, 'Lee' is for General Lee, who my
great grandfather served under during the War." (Laura Lee racks up
Southern points right and left. Referring to "The War, named for a
Southern Saint, General Lee, and being part of a family who has always lived in
Georgia makes her about as southern as you can be. Topping it off, she teaches
Sunday School and sings in the choir. Yes, Laura Lee is a true Southerner. She
is "Of the South." and actually fits into a special category called
"Ultra-of the South". She is about as Southern as you can be.)
Before we close, I
think it is imperative that we classify residents who live in the South, and
don't qualify as "Of the South" but have lived in the South for a
'coon's age, (for you non-southerners that is about 10 years.) I think the
first 10 years a person lives in the South is rather like a person without a
physical identity. He or she sure can't be called a Southerner, but after 10
years or so living in the South that person has picked up enough Southern
habits to fit into another category, Southern-Lite. However, "Of the
South" can only be bestowed on his or her children's children. Sorry, but
that's just the way it is.
But, if now, you understand,
that unless you are "Of the South" you are not a full-fledged
Southerner, take heart; remember, you live in the South, so enjoy your life in
the best part of the good old USA. You might have been born an American, but
you're "Of the South" by the grace of God. That's just the way it is.
Sorry.
Monday, May 1, 2017
Hog Football
ARKANSAS
By
RICHARD MASON
Hog
Football
Well, what does Richard Mason know
about Razorback Football? Good question. All I really know is I’m not happy
about it right now, and it doesn't have anything to do with the sorry coach.
Oh, that’s a little slip, but let's get serious about the current state of Hog
Football. If we're really honest, those four and a half hour games, with the
blaring of over the top music while the commercials are being run, are light
years away from when, in the late 1950s, I set in the rain and watched the
underdog Hogs beat a ranked TCU team 3 to 0. And when I was working in Libya during
the early 1960s, I only found out we beat number one Texas by reading the
International Herald Tribune that next Monday, and noted we had moved ahead of
Texas in the poll, so I figured somehow we’d beaten the Longhorns. Yes, and
while living in Texas, I watched as the worthless Aggies Corps marched onto the
field at College Station, and I booed while the Aggie fans screamed. Of course,
we whipped their sorry asses. But those days are gone or at least they are so
diluted, we hardly recognize Hog football any more.
So what do we need to do in order to get
Arkansas Football back on track? Here are my suggestions as a graduate of the
University and a longtime fan: First, stop all the commercials during
continuous playing. I don't mean get rid of all of them, but make them only at
the start, end of each quarter, halftime, and end of game. Right now the
commercials are easily the most irritating part of college football except
maybe the blaring music being played while we sit there in the hot sun and
sweat. And while we’re at it, stop playing the Little Sisters of Mercy schools.
You know, the Florida A&M & Ns or the Coastal Carolina P & Q. We’ll
save millions, and why not use one of those dates to play Arkansas State? Frank
is old enough for us to slip that one past him, and we’d save big bucks by not
having to pay the one step out of high school teams from New Mexico or the
Crimea. Yes, I know it makes a 6-5 season look better than a 4-7 one, but
playing equal schools always makes for a better game. Would you rather watch a
tough loss to Notre Dame or a 63 to 0 win against the Crimea. Okay, now we’re
on a roll, so let’s talk coach’s salaries. Their pay is three or four times the
salary of the President of the United States! How on earth do we justify that?
And now they get to add another big money coach so we’re up to ten and
climbing. No, you can’t tell me you couldn’t find a young coach who wouldn’t be
delighted to coach the University for half that, and the bar set so low now,
that he or she would probable look pretty good. And now we’re spending another
160 million to keep up with Alabama by adding some 3200 high dollar seats in
the north end zone. How can a supposedly academic school justify that when a
7,000,000 item collection of Arkansas history sits in a series of warehouses
because there’s not money for an exhibit hall to house them? Had enough? Well,
I’m not through because Arkansas football is such a distortion that it needs a
heart transplant, or maybe a brain transplant. Let’s talk tickets and parking.
Wow, now I ‘done’ got to meddling. With a gazillion seats in that stadium every
student should have season home game tickets given to them when they pays their registration fees. It’s a
disgrace to see students lined up to get the sorry leftover tickets while the
big donors lounge on the fifty yard line, and while we’re at it, stop the
disgrace of allowing the Razorback Foundation handle parking and priority
ticketing. How can a state supported school with your and my tax dollars
justify ticket scalping? Yes, you can call it whatever you like, but when in a
state supported school hooks up with a private company or foundation, and that
deal lets the foundation handle ticket sales and parking lots based on the
amount donated to the foundation, it’s no different than a sleazy ticket scalper
selling Hamilton tickets at Times Square.
Well, I’ve just wasted a chunk of time
getting that off my chest, because everything I’ve mention has about as much
chance of happening as a 63-0 win over Alabama.
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