The Norphlet Mafia, Chapter 9, post 12

Chapter 9 A Conversation with Bubba Bubba was almost running as he kinda weaved over to the man’s table, and handed the man a menu. Then he smiled… uh, well, make that a half-smile, since the accident left the teeth on the right side of his mouth on the rig floor. “Welcome to the City Café, sir!” he slurred. “Today’s special is liver and onions... uh, wait a minute... uh, that was yesterday's special, and what was left has already been fed to the hogs... no, maybe... oh, I got it! Yes, today’s special sure is liver and onions.” You bet Mr. Private Investigator looked confused, and I could have told him not to ask Bubba a question, but I didn't. “I thought you said that was yesterday's special,” the man replied. Bubba looked a little confused, but he just threw back his shoulder and gave forth. “Mister, this ain’t no fancy place that changes their special every day. Sometimes, if I get carried away cooking, the daily special is the same for a whole week, and besides Darwin Tatum, who picks up the leftover slop, told me his hogs won’t eat liver and onions, so what I said about them hogs don’t go. I got enough liver and onions back there to feed most of Norphlet.” Yeah, we were grinning like possums eating green persimmons, ’cause we knew things were just getting going. “Well, thanks, but I think I’ll order from the menu.” “Suit yourself. Just give me a whistle when you’re ready to order.” “Okay.” We were watching the man like a hawk when he opened the menu, because we knew what was on the menu. All the menu said was “See Today's Special” in big, black letters. Yeah, we could see him grit his teeth, but he finally closed the menu and waved at Bubba, who sauntered over. “Hi,” slurred Bubba, which sounded like “Hiahaa.” “What?” “Well, you kinda waved hiahaaa, so I just said haahaaa back.” “Well I just meant I was ready to order.” “Oh, well, what can I whip up for you?” “I guess I'll have Today’s Special.” “What's that?” “Huh?” “Well, if you don’t know what's on one of our specials, how do you expect me to fix it for you?” “You have more than one special?” “Yes, especially when we have liver and onions.” “Oh, I didn’t understand. Do you have other specials today?” “No, but we will tomorrow ’cause we’re loaded with Today’s Special.” “What is Today’s Special?” “Onions and liver.” “What?” “Uh, we’re gettin’ low on liver.” “Uh, well I’ll take on order of… Onions and liver.” “Got it. How do you want it cooked?” “Medium rare.” “Okay. How about the liver?” ”I told you medium rare.” ”That was for the onions. How about the liver?” “Oh, I understand. Cook the liver medium rare to rare with a very pink center.” “No.” “No? What do you mean? Okay, maybe medium-rare is a little tricky; just cook it medium.” “No.” “What? Why not medium?” “Well, Mister, nobody in Norphlet has ever had liver anything but well-done, so that's what it is.” “Why didn’t you tell me it was already prepared?” “It’s not.” “The liver is, but not the onions.” “Okay.” “What do you want to drink?” Yeah, Bubba was just being Bubba, but he really had the man going, and there was a long pause, and then the man said carefully, “What do most of your customers drink?” “Sweet tea.” “Do you have any unsweetened tea?” “No, but why would anybody want unsweetened tea?—Say, are you from up north?” “No.” “Are you from Arkansas?” “Yes.” “Where in Arkansas?” Yeah, there was a long pause, and I figured the man was trying to come up with something to get rid of Bubba, so he finally said, in almost a whisper, “Little Rock.” Whoa, Bubba lust lit up, and he hollered at us, “Boys, we done got a real tourist from up north. This here gentleman is from Little Rock!” Of course Bubba said that loud enough to be heard all the way out into the street, and a couple of other customers kinda looked up to see what somebody from Little Rock looked like, and then Bubba asked, “Do them folks up in Little Rock drink unsweetened tea?” Well, I could tell the man sure didn't want to answer, but finally he whispered, “Yes, sometimes.” “Is that a fact? Just let me tell you this, if any of them folks ever tasted my sweet tea, they wouldn't never have nothin’ else.” “Well, then, I’ll have the sweet tea.” “We’re out for today, but if you’re here by eleven-thirty tomorrow, I can fix you up.” "Okay, that sounds fine. I’ll just have water.” “What kind of water?” “Huh?... uh… well what kind do you have?” “Well, we have just plain and ice water. The ice water has four cubes of ice in it, and there’s no extra charge.” “Well, I think I’ll take the ice water,” the man answered a bit nervously. “Do you want a large glass or a short glass?” “I'll take a tall glass.” ‘No.’ ‘What?” “We don't have anything but large and small, and the large will cost a nickel more for the extra ice.” “Okay, I’ll take the large.” “With or without?” “With or without what?” Yeah, by now Mr. Private Investigator was getting kinda upset. “With or without ice. It’s free without ice, but it’ll cost you a nickel more with ice.” “With,” replied Mr. Private Eye. “With what?” “Ice, damn it!” “Listen Mister, this is a public restaurant and Miz Smith won't allow that kinda language.” “Okay, okay, I’m sorry, just bring me the special of the day.” “Coming up, uh, by the way are you gonna be staying in Norphlet for a while?” asked Bubba. Yeah, that question had us on the edge of our seats.