thenorphletpaperboy: A World without Regulations

thenorphletpaperboy: A World without Regulations:                               A World without Regulations Gosh, that sounds really good....uh, but does that means everybody...

A World without Regulations

                            

A World without Regulations

Gosh, that sounds really good....uh, but does that means everybody can do anything they want? Well, no, that went out when we came out of caves. Actually, the stated goal is to get rid of all those ‘unnecessary’ government regulations. Of course, that sounds great, but what are the unnecessary regulations? I guess, if you’re only interested in the bottom line, those are the regulations that cost you money. But maybe we do need some regulations, like vaccinating our dogs. Well, yeah, we all agree the regulation to vaccinate our dogs for Rabies is needed, so to find out the really unnecessary ones, we must look at the big picture.

Our Attorney General is suing the EPA to overturn new regulations that would force coal-fired electrical generating plants to reduce emissions, and in addition, a separate suit has been filed to rescind other recently mandated regulations that would reduce contaminated runoff into the state's streams. Of course, the overall goal of the EPA is to clean up the air we breathe and the stream water in our Nation. Sounds okay, but if that is exactly what the new regulations would do, then why is our A G suing the EPA? Yes, you guessed it----money, money, money. It's the age old problem; short term goals to make as much money as possible, and ignore the long term consequences. Americans have been doing that since our country was founded.

When I was a boy growing up in South Arkansas, a common sight were the salt flats. Completely dead areas about fifty yards wide that bordered any stream that flowed through the oilfields. It was cheaper to dump saltwater into the streams than to dispose of it properly. If you were an oil producer you made more money by just killing the nearby creek. The rules our AG is suing the EPA to rescind will cost corporations and others money. It as simple as that. Those rules are part of the EPA’s overall plan to keep our citizens from suffering the horrible consequences of no regulations the Chinese are contending with. Today, the Chinese are wearing masks and factories are being shut down because of filthy, killing smog, and believe it or not, Mongolia is five times as bad! New-born babies are dying because of the dirty air. If that is so, and it is, then why, for God's sake, are the Chinese doing it? The short version is very simple: the lack of regulations equals a short term profit, and they are putting money ahead of a better quality of life.

.Well, how have the lack of regulations in the past affected the average American? Let's look at a simple example: I'd like to go Passenger Pigeon hunting today, but I can't. Yeah, of course I know why---they’re extinct! Why are they extinct? A very simple answer is---no regulations and money. In the 1800s the sky was black with pigeons---an estimated 500,000,000. However, by the 1920 our great, great grandparents had killed all 500,000,000, and they made a profit doing so. In Arkansas, barrel after barrel of pigeon breasts were salted down and shipped down river to New Orleans, and the folks who slaughtered the Passenger Pigeons made money. I can't walk through the former virgin forest that once covered our state either. Yep, we cut 'em all down and made a ton of money doing it.

Well, what's the bottom line to all of this? It's very simple: Regulations are a mark of a more civilized society, and the more civilized we become the better quality of life we have because of regulations, but if we put the goal of making as much money as possible, then we must adopt an overall goal to have little or no regulations.

The AG's efforts to rescind air and water quality regulations are a step back from a more civilized America. It's an effort to continue burning the dirtiest fuel on the planet, coal. But burning coal will not only reduce our air quality where big utilities can make more money, but it will add to the mercury in our fish. That's right; the mercury found in our Arkansas fish is a direct result of coal and lignite burning plants in Arkansas and East Texas. Consequences? Consider how many babies have been born with a reduced I Q or other birth defects because their pregnant mother ate too much contaminated fish? That’s the price we pay to make money by burning coal.

Of course, many of our streams are almost open sewers because of the lack of meaningful  regulations, and the Buffalo National River is in the process of becoming polluted by hog waste that will run off the land adjacent to Big Creek, a tributary the feeds the Buffalo National River. In five years the spineless Arkansas Department of Environmental Quality will have a red face, because the National Park Service will close the River to swimming---but it will be too late. The river will be polluted for a generation.

No, we don't want a world without regulations, unless making money is our only goal in life.

thenorphletpaperboy: Rex Tillerson of Exxon-Mobil will make a great Sec...

thenorphletpaperboy: Rex Tillerson of Exxon-Mobil will make a great Sec...:              ARKANSAS                                      BY                           Richard Mason       Rex Tillerson...

Rex Tillerson of Exxon-Mobil will make a great Secretary of State

             ARKANSAS

                                     BY

                          Richard Mason

      Rex Tillerson CEO of Exxon-Mobil will make a great Secretary of State

What? Can a person who is working to stop the Buffalo National River from being polluted by a Factory Hog Farm say that?

You bet, I can, and here's why: Rex Tillerson is considered one of the top, worldwide business leaders, and in making those business relationships, he has made personal contacts with the leadership of almost every significant country in the world.

In those contacts, he represented Exxon-Mobil shareholders, and his representation has been hugely successful in increasing the net value of those shareholders investments. Naturally, if you are a CEO of a worldwide exploration company, you must have good relations with countries, such as Russia, who have huge oil reserves. It’s a requirement to do business. The idea that a company must represent the political goals of the United States is unrealistic, would cripple our international business relationships, and do a great disservice to their shareholders.  International companies all over the world do business with countries who don’t represent their political preferences. Boeing just agree to sell Iran 16.6 billion dollars’ worth of planes, as a recent example.

However, while his business connections are a very positive attribute to Mr. Tillerson, it’s not the primary reason I believe he’ll be a great Secretary of State. Mr. Tillerson is the CEO of Exxon-Mobil, a company that I believe demands high ethical and environmental standards. I'm convinced his career at Exxon-Mobil, domestically and with Esso overseas, instilled in him the ethical way to conduct business. This is my take on Exxon-Mobil’s ethics: I went to work for Exxon, right out of college, as a geologist, and I was assigned to the Southwest Texas District, which included the King Ranch. I spent the next two years primarily evaluating the numerous wells Exxon drilled on the Ranch. Of course, you would expect drilling and producing wells on the famous King Ranch would be handled with kid gloves, and you’d be right. Every producing well and drilling rig on the ranch maintained the top environmental and industry standards. In the 1930s the ranch of one million acres was leased by Humble Oil and Refining Company, which was merged into Exxon in the 1960s. Over the past 75 years Exxon has drilled hundreds of wells, produced millions of barrels of oil without any significant, even minor damage to the ranch.

The King Ranch is famous for developing the Santa Gertrudis breed of cattle, and a number of years back Bob Kleberg, who then, was the head of the King Ranch Corporation, was asked, by a cattleman: “Your Santa Gertrudis seem to thrive on the Ranch. What do you make of that?"

Bob Kleberg is reported to have grinned and answered, "I think they do best in the shade of all those oil and gas christmas trees." A testament to Exxon's care for the land.

Yes, I know you're thinking, but that’s the famous King Ranch. Of course, you're right, and you might say, "Well, what about their foreign operations? Say, if they were drilling in the middle of the Sahara Desert, would they do it differently?"

Well, let me tell you, from a firsthand experience, how Esso operates overseas. After working on the King Ranch for a couple of years, I took a transfer to Benghazi, Libya, where I spent two years as a geologist evaluating wells drilled in the Libyan Sahara Desert. I watched those wells from (spud) start to finish, and I’m sure the Libyan Government would have ignored spills, trash, and pumping waste water and drilling mud out on the ground. However, Exxon-Mobil-Esso employees have only one way to operate, and that’s the same whether it's on the King Ranch or in the middle of the Libyan Sahara Desert. When we left a Libyan Desert location, it was as clean a one on the King Ranch. Rex Tillerson has those operational ethics ingrained in him by working for one of the great American companies. He will represent our country admirably, and by having one of the top business leaders in the world representing us, America will be well served.

Now, don't think for a minute, I’m giving my endorsement as a blank check to the Trump administrant. There are a couple of his cabinet selections I’m aghast at. I'm just saying he hit a home run with Exxon-Mobil’s Rex Tillerson.

thenorphletpaperboy: Have We Lost Christmas?

thenorphletpaperboy: Have We Lost Christmas?:          Have We Lost Christmas? Well, have we? I guess we’d have to define Christmas before we can answer that. In today’s world the...

Have We Lost Christmas?

         Have We Lost Christmas?

Well, have we? I guess we’d have to define Christmas before we can answer that. In today’s world the Christmas Season, as some call it, starts well before---would you believe---Halloween. Yes, and if the trend continues it’ll soon start by Labor Day. Many of our stores and their shoppers would agree the Christmas Season is starting earlier every year, but the rush to shop and the stores push to sell is not the Christmas Season. No, it’s the Holiday Shopping Season, and it’s become a worldwide excuse to shop and sell. Santa Claus is showing up in Japan, Korea, and China, and Black Friday, Digital Monday, and Small Business Saturday are there to be sure those billions of shoppers don’t miss anything. So, if we consider Christmas as a shopping and gift giving season and nothing more, then we have lost Christmas. Yes, buying and selling is certainly a part of our fall and winter season, but it’s not Christmas. Christmas is spiritual. But being spiritual can fit in along with gifts, Christmas Parties, and Christmas dinners. But it doesn’t just happen unless we focus on what makes a Spiritual Christmas.

Our Church Choir sang a piece of music recently that made me think about a Spiritual Christmas. The song was called “Peace” and in the song the spirit of Christmas comes through loud and clear. “Joy, Love, and Peace” were musically linked together, and those three words represent a real spiritual Christmas.

The Joy of a spiritual Christmas is expressed in many ways, and receiving a special gift is one of them. When I was 13, my family lived in a small, farm house a mile from town, and our resources were meager. That year I remember thinking a Christmas stocking with oranges, apples, and candy along with a new shirt or sweater, was going to be about it for me. That Christmas morning, when I walked into the living room, I spotted the Christmas Stocking and sure enough there was that rectangular box that I was sure was a shirt, but oh, my gosh! There was another present that took my breath---it was a Browning Sweet 16 Shotgun. I could only stand there saying “Oh, oh, oh.” The joy of receiving overwhelmed me, but equally my parents, who had sacrificed to buy me that wonderful present, experienced the joy of giving. 

Years later Vertis and I stretched a bit to buy our 10 year old daughter a rabbit fur jacket. Our daughter was so happy and shocked that Christmas morning, she immediately burst into tears. We had the spiritual joy of giving and our daughter had the joy of receiving.

However, you don’t need all the trapping of Christmas to have a spiritual Christmas. I remember a Christmas, far away from family and friends, where one Christmas Eve, Vertis and I sat in a damp concrete-block house in front of a small fireplace, and tried to tune in the BBC on a short-wave radio to hear Christmas Carols. We were living in Benghazi, Libya and that Christmas without Christmas decorations, family or friends our only joy was to be with each other. Yes, it was a spiritual Christmas because as lonely as we were, we still had the inner love, joy, and peace of Christmas.

When we think of Christmas Love, we must place the Christ Child as the center of our Christmas thoughts. God sent Jesus because he loved us, and naturally as the song “Peace” says…”Now is the time for love…” Yes, if we miss out on the Christmas love that we should be sharing, we truly have lost Christmas. Christmas should be a time when we express that love to not only family members, but others who have been a special part of our lives.

Now let’s consider the elusive peace of Christmas. Of course, the angles sang …”Peace on Earth…” and our Christmas song “Peace” goes, “and now is the time for Peace…” But do we have the peace of Christmas this year? We have just been through the most continuous presidential race in our memory, and we need to come together united in peace, love, and joy to face our Nation’s problems. Yes, it is possible. I remember standing on Fifth Avenue across from Saint Patricks’ Cathedral right after 9/11 watching as firemen carried one of their own from the church. An American flag was flying in the north wind from a ladder truck, and I have never been prouder to be an American. We need to, as a nation, have peace and unity as we did after 9/11, and that Peace starts with our family and friends.  

No, we haven’t lost Christmas. It’s still there for the taking. So this Christmas, as we exchange gifts, spend time with family and friends, and share a peaceful Christmas dinner, think of Joy, Love, and Peace. Those three words are the spirit of Christmas, and if you celebrate Christmas with those words firmly in your heart, you certainly won’t have lost Christmas.

 

thenorphletpaperboy: The Yankee Doctor---excerpt from the funniest of t...

thenorphletpaperboy: The Yankee Doctor---excerpt from the funniest of t...:   Yes, The Yankee Doctor is by all accounts the most popular and funniest of the 12 Richard, the Norphlet Paperboy books. Here I am at El Do...

The Yankee Doctor---excerpt from the funniest of the bunch

  Yes, The Yankee Doctor is by all accounts the most popular and funniest of the 12 Richard, the Norphlet Paperboy books. Here I am at El Dorado High School talking about my books.

The (Evil) Yankee Doctor and his nurse, Miss Tina---the boys are getting even!

“All right, Richard, but you better get ready ‘cause the last patient in the waitin’ room just went in.”

            Evidently that last patient didn’t have much wrong with him ‘cause it wasn’t ten minutes until he left Doctor Carl’s office, and Miss Tina stood up and slowly walked into the back office.

            “Now, let’s go, run, run!” I whispered.

            We dashed across the street, stoppin’ at the office door to look ‘round, to be sure nobody could see us, and as John Clayton held the door open, I ran in and dumped ‘bout 25 pounds of roaches on the floor behind Miss Tina’s desk. They were scurryin’ all over the office, climbin’ up the desk legs, and fannin’ out all ‘cross the floor by the time I got back to the door. The floor was almost a carpet of roaches.  I closed the door real softly, John Clayton jammed a flat piece of wood under the bottom of the door, and we started back toward the patch of weeds.

            “Hey, John Clayton,” I hissed as we ran, “I’ve still got quite a few roaches in this sack. I guess some of them held on to the sack when I tried to dump them out.”

            “Richard, look, that’s Doctor Carl’s car! See if it’s unlocked!” John Clayton whispered.

            “It’s unlocked!”

            “Dump the rest of the roaches in the car.”

            I opened the door and shook the tow sack real good. There were a lot more roaches in that sack than I thought. I shut the door, and we crouched in the patch of weeds waitin’ for Miss Tina to come back to the front office. In a couple of minutes roaches started climbin’ up the window and door facin and even though we were across the street crouched  down in a patch of weeds, we could see roaches all over the office.

            “Oh my God, John Clayton, there’re too many. They’re everywhere. I told you 25 pounds of roaches were too many!”

            “What? No, you didn’t. In fact, I had to stop you, or we’d have had 30 or 40 pounds of roaches.”

            We were in a panic now as we watched roaches climb up the plate glass window.

            My heart was beatin’ so hard I could hear it, and John Clayton started whinin’ ‘bout how much trouble we were gonna be in, and how that would get us sent straight to Reform School. Right at that moment I wanted more than anything else in the whole world just to have those roaches back in that tow sack.

            Well, we waited and waited and nothin’ happened. Where was Miss Tina?

            Evidently Miss Tina and Doctor Carl had a long talk or something, ‘cause she stayed and stayed in the back room.

            “Dang, Richard, maybe all the roaches will leave if she stays out a little longer. I sure hope so.”

            “Nahaa, they can’t go nowheres but in that one little room, and man, 25 pounds of roaches is a heck of a lot of roaches.”

            “Oh, oh, oh,” moaned John Clayton.

            Just then Miss Tina stepped out of the back room and started toward her desk. Her hair looked a little messed up and she was straightening her dress. I guess she didn’t look down or pay no attention to the floor ‘cause she just went straight back to her desk, sat down and started goin’ through some papers. Nothin’ happened at all. She just started workin’ and John Clayton and I looked at each other in shock.

            “Where are all the roaches,” I whispered.

            “Maybe they all ran off because she was in the back so long.”

            “Ahaaaaaaaa!”

Suddenly there was a hair-raisin’ scream, that you could’ve heard 10 miles away, and Miss Tina jumped up from her desk, slappin’ her legs, and dancin’ ‘round while she screeched at the top of her lungs.

“Ahaaaaa, help, help, ahaaaaaa, Carl, come here! There’re roaches everywhere! Ahaaaaaaa, oh, Carl, they’re on my legs! Ahaaaaaaa!”

She pulled her skirt all the way up to her panties to slap one of the faster roaches as she screamed and jumped ‘round the office. Heck, I know I was upset ‘bout puttin’ too many roaches in that office, but shoot, after Miss Tina went just wild, I  rolled over laughin’ so hard I thought I’d bust a gut.

            Her screams brought Doctor Carl autta his office, and he saw the roaches right off ‘cause Miss Tina was yellin’ ‘bout ‘em and pointin’ to the roach carpet on the floor, while she was dancin’ ‘round. Doctor Carl stood there for a minute like he didn’t know what to make of it, and before he could move a bunch of roaches ran up his shoe and right up his pants leg.

“Oh, oh, whooooo, one of them is up my pants leg,” he yelled.

We could see the whole thing as we crouched there in the weeds. Shoot, in all my born days I’ve never seen nothin’ like it. That office was just goin’ plum crazy, and now Doctor Carl was shoutin’ some words that was so bad you wouldn’t believe it.

“Come here, Tina, let’s get out of here.”

            Doctor Carl grabbed Miss Tina by the hand and ran for the door, but he didn’t take two steps until he slipped from steppin’ on the roach carpet. He took Miss Tina down with him and for a minute they was a big pile of arms and legs with roaches runnin’ all over ‘em. Miss Tina let out a scream to end all screams as they scrambled to their feet, cursin’ loudly, slappin’ roaches off as they slipped ‘round on the slick floor. Doctor Carl finally grabbed the door knob. We could hear him from across the street.

            “Ahaaaaa, damn, this door won’t open!” he screamed as he yanked and pulled with Miss Tina yellin’ in his ear to let her out of that office or she was gonna die.

            “Carl! Carl! They’re up my leg again! Ahaaaaaa! They’re in my hair!”

Doctor Carl pushed and pulled that door so hard that he slipped down again. He jumped up and yelled at Miss Tina.

            “Tina, get away from the door!”

            Then Doctor Carl picked up one of the chairs from the waitin’ room and threw it through the door glass. He stepped through the broken glass and managed to pull out the board we’d put under the door, and finally they both ran out still slappin’ at roaches.

            “Tina, quick, get in the car!” he yelled.

            When he said that, John Clayton and I looked at each other and almost split from just thinkin’ ‘bout Miss Tina jumpin’ in Doctor Carl’s big car which was full of roaches. We could see ‘em stickin’ to the car windows from across the street.

            Miss Tina pulled her skirt down, and she and Doctor Carl ran over to Doctor Carl’s car. They opened the doors and jumped in.

            “Ahaaaaa! Ahaaaaaa!”

            Miss Tina let out another ear piercing scream and another and another.

“Car, this car is full of roaches!” screamed Miss Tina as she frantically tried to get out. Well, Miss Tina was pretty fast gettin’ autta that car, but since she had sat down on top of maybe 30 or 40 roaches a bunch of them got out of the car with her hangin’ on to her skirt, and a few managed somehow to get in that funny colored red hair. Doctor Carl was cursin’ and yellin’ like nothin’ I’ve ever heard, while he knocked roaches off his suit, but Miss Tina was a whole ‘nother thing. I thought for a minute she had totally lost it as she danced and screamed while tryin’ to rid herself of the more active roaches.

“Carl, help; get this damn roach out of my hair,” she screamed.

Doctor Carl slapped a really big one right above Miss Tina’s ear and roach gunk splattered everywhere.

“Oh, oh, damn you, Carl! Now I’ve got roach guts in my hair!”

Finally, they both knocked off the last of the roaches. Miss Tina was cryin’ hysterically. Doctor Carl grabbed her by the hand and they hurriedly walked ‘round the block. I was sure they were goin’ to look for Curly.

            “Come on, John Clayton, let’s get out of here. Grab that piece of wood you put under the door, and run for the back of Echols Grocery. Here, Sniffer, come on boy, let’s go.” John Clayton grabbed the plank he had shoved under the door, and we high-tailed it to the back door of Echols’s Grocery.

thenorphletpaperboy: Panic in Langley Bottom--an excerpt

thenorphletpaperboy: Panic in Langley Bottom--an excerpt: Deep in Langley Bottom the boys come across an old house place: ........“Uh, huh, and you had better watch out, ’cause check out tha...

Panic in Langley Bottom--an excerpt

Deep in Langley Bottom the boys come across an old house place:

........“Uh, huh, and you had better watch out, ’cause check out that spider over by the wall. It’s a durn Black Widow.”

Yeah, it sure was, and as we climbed the stairs to the second floor it seemed Black Widow spiders were everywhere. I don’t think I have ever seen so many. Well, we were real careful, and when we reached the second floor we started going from room to room. They were all empty with the doors off, except one room at the end of the hall.

I opened the door and peeked in.

“Hey, they left something in this room.” I could see that the room wasn’t completely empty, and there was something that looked like furniture in the dim light. John Clayton followed me in, and, sure enough, there was some stuff that had been left in the room.

“Hey, look at this, a desk and chair. I wonder why they totally cleaned out the house except for this room?” I wondered aloud.

“Shoot, let’s open the drawers, and see if they’re full of hundred-dollar bills.” John Clayton said. He kinda skipped over and sat down at the desk, propped his feet up, and acted as if he was in charge.

“Just a minute, my man. I have your thousand-dollar bonus right here in my desk drawer.”  Yeah, I was laughing up a storm, and I stuck my hand out to get my fake bonus as John Clayton pulled the desk drawer open and reached in to get my money.

“Ahaaaaaaa!”

Wow, he jumped straight up, just waving his hand like he’d shook hands with the Devil, and then I saw it. A little brown lizard was in the drawer, and it had jumped on his hand when he reached in the drawer. Well, it was a pretty good laugh, but John Clayton didn’t think it was that hilarious.

“I ain’t openin’ no more desk drawers!” he yelled. He shook his hand around just to be sure the lizard had hopped off, and came over to where I was standing.

“Well, the desk and chair are the only things in the room,” I said.  “Let’s go back downstairs and head for the field behind the house. Heck, we came to look for arrowheads not rummage through an old house.”

 I took one last look around the room before we left. There were several windows with shades that were pulled down to where the room was nearly dark, but there was one broken window where the top part of the glass was open, which let a little light into the room. We stood there for a few seconds looking around, to be sure the room was completely empty, except for the desk and chair, like all the other rooms in the house, but then I noticed a closet that had the top of the door busted open. It was kinda funny looking ’cause the busted part of the closet door was the only place in the room where the sun from the broken window pane shinned through.

“Look at the corner behind you, John Clayton; I wonder what’s behind that closet door?”          John Clayton was standing about 10 feet from the closet door, and he turned to look at it.

“Hey, we’ll find out in about two seconds,” he said. And then he walked across the room toward the door, just as we heard this noise again.

“Noooooooooooooo.”

Naw, I didn’t think the wind was blowing, and something deep inside me was causing the hair on the back of my neck to stand straight up. And right then something just shouted inside my head, Don’t open that door!

John Clayton was almost to the door when I yelled, “Don’t open that door!”

“What? Why?     ??? 

“Something inside of me just told me to not open that closet door.”

“That sounds so stupid, Richard. Why shouldn’t I open it?”

“I don’t know. I just have this bad feeling.”

“Do you think there’s anything in this closet?” he questioned.

“Nope, I’ll bet it’s just like the rest of the house, but something just tells me not to open it.it.”

“Well, there ain’t nothin’ or nobody tellin’ me not to open it, so I’m gonna check it out.”

That was about a second before he yanked the closet door open.

“Ahasaaaaa! Oh, my God!”

At first I didn’t know what was happening, because everything was just a blur with some things just filling the air, and then John Clayton let out another scream, “Ahhhhhhhh! Something is tangled up in my hair!”

About that time, I noticed the room was just full of some flying things, and from the looks of it there were hundreds. Yeah, I figured it out pretty fast.

“Bats!” I yelled. “The closet is a bat roost, and you have one in your hair!” I yelled.

Well, John Clayton finally got the bat out of his hair, and the rest of the bats flew out through the broken window. Uh, huh, that scared the do-waddle out of us, but after we calmed down a bit, we finally just laughed. Okay, maybe I just laughed ’cause John Clayton didn’t think it was that funny having a bat tangled up in his bushy brown hair.

---

thenorphletpaperboy: Seven Five Star Reviews!

thenorphletpaperboy: Seven Five Star Reviews!: Southern Historical fiction set in 1945 during the Second World War. Previous novels of this series have been favorably compared to Mark Tw...

Seven Five Star Reviews!

Southern Historical fiction set in 1945 during the Second World War. Previous novels of this series have been favorably compared to Mark Twain's Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. The 13 book series has garnered numerous five star Amazon reviews. The series is a nostalgic look at a time when families huddled by the radio, with young boys listening to The Lone Ranger and The Green Hornet. Later the adults would tune in famous newscaster Walter Winchell; "Good evening Mr. and Mrs. North and South America and all the ships at sea....this just in...General Patton's army continues to march across Germany..." The numerous Amazon Five Star Reviews have all been from adults, but the readers of these books have ranged from teens to senior adults. The series is truly a book for all ages. Several reviewers have called Richard Mason "Americas' New Mark Twain."

thenorphletpaperboy: Part two---funniest writing

thenorphletpaperboy: Part two---funniest writing: Me and John Clayton stood there and talked until about 6:15 , and then I told him to go find Ears and meet me at the side door of the...

Part two---funniest writing

Me and John Clayton stood there and talked until about 6:15, and then I told him to go find Ears and meet me at the side door of the church. In a couple of minutes John Clayton walked up with Ears, and I pulled Ears aside.

            “Listen, Ears, we’ve got a great trick planned for that idiot, Homer Ray, and we want you to help.”

            “Homer Ray? You betcha I’ll help. I hate that sorry kid.”

            “Well, Ears, we’ll tell you everything when you get back from talking with Homer Ray.”

            “What? Why do you want me to go talk to Homer Ray?”

            “Well, Ears, if me or John Clayton tells him anything, he won’t believe us ‘cause we’re always pullin’ stuff on him.”

            “Okay, what do you want me to tell him?”

            “Just say this, ‘Homer Ray, you know that if you ain’t really saved the blood will get you.’ “Then give him a real weird look.”

            “Huh?”

            “What the heck does ‘The blood will get you’ mean?”

            “We’ll, tell you when you get back, and Homer Ray won’t know either until…“ and I started laughing.

            “Okay, get goin’, Ears.”

            Ears slipped in the side door, and sure enough Homer Ray was standing there at the steps to the baptistery wearing his white baptismal robe waiting for Brother Taylor.

            “Homer Ray,” whispered Ears, “remember, if you ain’t really saved, the blood’ll get you.”

            “What? What in the hell are you talking about, Ears?”

            Well, Ears just gave Homer Ray this spooky look and walked away with Homer Ray still asking him what he meant.

            We were just about ready to go into the church when Rosalie and Freckles came walking down the sidewalk heading for the front door of the church.

            “Richard, I gotta tell Freckles. Shoot, I don’t want her to get upset with me if she finds out we did the blood trick.”

            “No, you ain’t ‘bout to tell her, ‘cause she’ll blab it to Rosalie, and Miss Goody Two-Shoes will go straight to Brother Taylor. You’ll blow the whole trick if you tell Freckles.”

            “Dang, Richard, what if she gets upset when she sees the water turn red?”

            “Ah, you worry too much, John Clayton. Take my word for it, she’ll just think it’s the funniest thing she ever did see, and she’ll think you’re great for being part of the trick.”

            Well, John Clayton kinda whined like he was still scared the trick was gonna upset Freckles, who he had started liking, but he and Ears followed me around back, and we slipped in the side door of the church and got right down front on the front row. Heck, this was the first time in our whole entire lives that any of us had ever sat on the front seat of the church, but we were so excited about what was about to happen that we didn’t want to miss nothing. I looked over to my right, and there was Freckles and Rosalie sitting with a bunch of other girls on the front row of the side pew, and then I looked toward the back of the church where Connie was sitting, and she shook her head at me. That made me a little worried, but heck, just thinking about what was about to happen had me snickering.

            The baptistery in our church is about four feet deep with steps going down each side and in the front it’s glass for about two feet where you can see the person when they go under the water. We settled down and the organ began to play, “Are You Washed in the Blood,” and I couldn’t believe it. Heck, it was just like the organist was in on the trick. Well, after playing through that song our song leader asked everyone to stand and we sang another song ‘bout a fountain filled with blood, then another verse ‘bout being washed in the blood. Course, every time me and John Clayton sang out “blood,” it came out as a laugh or snicker. Heck, we were just about to he-haw by the time we finished singing those songs. I looked over at the girls, and they was smiling and singing their little hearts out, just like girls do at revivals when they’re trying to show off and act real religious. Then we were seated, and the lights went off in the back of the church, and Brother Taylor turned on a real bright one over the baptistery.

            I was holding my breath as Homer Ray came sloshing in from one side nearly splashing water over the top, and Brother Taylor came in from the other and met him in the middle of the baptistery. Everything looked normal, and Brother Taylor started in talking about baptism and how Homer Ray was gonna be washed white as snow by the blood of the lamb. Well, when Brother Taylor said “Blood of the Lamb” me and John Clayton started snickering again, and then Brother Taylor started talking about how the blood of Jesus was shed for us and then started asking Homer Ray the salvation questions. We were watching the water, but nothing seemed to be happening. Then Brother Taylor grabbed Homer Ray for the first of three dippings.

            “In the name of the Father!” and swoosh, Homer Ray went under and came up with a splash that almost sent water over the top of the baptistery. “Heck, that food dye ain’t strong enough to turn the water red,” I thought.

            “In the name of the Son!”

            This time when Homer Ray went under, I thought the water was looking kinda funny. Homer Ray came up spitting water, and then, just as Brother Taylor was about to grab him for the third dunking, Homer Ray looked down at his white baptistery robe, which was turning red, and then he looked at the water and at Brother Taylor’s sleeves which were now red. Gosh, I looked at Homer Ray’s light bond hair and it was red.

            Well, what happened then was really something to see. Brother Taylor didn’t seem to see the red water, and he was reaching for Homer Ray for the third dunking, when Homer Ray let out a yell like nothing you’ve ever heard.

            “Ahaaaaaaa! Blood! Blood! The water’s done turned to blood! The blood is gonna get me! Ahaaaaaaaa! Eyeeeeeeeeee!”

            I glanced over to where the girls were seated, and they had their hands over their mouths in shock.

            Well, we were trying to hold back a huge laugh, and I almost died trying to keep from just hoo-hawing. Brother Taylor never got to dunk Homer Ray that last time because Homer Ray bolted outta that baptistery like a scalded dog, and you could hear him still yelling as he ran outta the church. Course, I thought that’d be it, and Brother Taylor would come on out of the baptistery and preach his usual hour long sermon, but, holy cow, before he could come out, people kinda made a big gasp all over the church and then Brother Taylor looked around and realized all the baptistery water was red and so was his robe. I guess he thought it was a major miracle straight from God. Course, everybody in the church saw Brother Taylor’s white robe and baptistery water turn red, then, whoa, hold on to your horses, because they was just one loud “Ohooooooooo!” and things just got wild, and people started shouting, waving their hands, and going on like an out-of -control revival.

Heck, I looked around, and just plain old church members that had never even said “Amen” in church was wailing and shouting like Jesus was in that baptistery, and then I glanced over to where the girls were sitting, and they were just slap-dab frozen in their seats.

Heck, this whole thing was getting outta hand and John Clayton was pulling on my sleeve saying, “Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Look what you’ve caused, Richard!”

“Shut up, John Clayton!”

 Well, I didn’t have time to say nothing else because you could hear people shouting, “Blood! It’s blood! The water’s done turned to blood!” Wow, folks started hitting the floor, swooning or praying or just scared outta their wits. There was a rush up and down the aisle, and ‘bout 50 people ran out of the church screaming like the Devil had got them, and Brother Taylor wasn’t helping none.

“Brothers! Sisters!” he yelled from the baptistery, “The Lord has touched us tonight!”

Then he held up his hands, which really did look like blood was dripping off them, and everyone could see his baptistery robe was red. My gosh, in my wildest dreams I never expected nothing like what swept over that church. Course, Brother Taylor started yelling halleluiahs and praying like a possessed man, holding his hands up, and then he said in the most booming voice, “Judgment Day! Judgment Day! The Lord is coming! The Lord is coming! He’ll be here in an instant! It’s the Second Coming! I can almost hear the trumpets! Lord, come take us away!” Then he said something that I’ll bet he regretted.

“The Lord is coming! Repent! Repent! Come and confess your sins! Judgment is coming, right here—tonight!”

Whoa, he shouldn’t have said that because evidently a bunch of folks in the church wasn’t ready for the judgment of the Lord to come, and they started shouting, “Oh, save me, Lord! Save me, Lord,” and then old Miss Parson, who’s about 106, lay down on the Lord’s supper table, held up her hands, and screamed, “Take me to heaven, Lord!”

Well, that was wild enough, but then a bunch of people started repenting---you know—confessing their sins out loud, heck, shouting their confessions as loud as they could, like the Lord was deaf or something. I thought Norphlet was a quiet little town where people just went about their business, but when them confessions started rolling out, I knew real quickly that there was stuff going on that I didn’t have a clue about. Things kinda went crazy for a couple of minutes; then the Chairman of Deacons, Claude McAlister stood up and said, “Oh, Lord, forgive me!” and when he said that everybody got real quiet for just a second. Then he said in his loud, squeaky voice, “I’ve been sleeping with……” I didn’t catch the last part, but evidently a bunch of folks did because there was this big gasp, and then, heck, they was a stampede of people heading down front to pray, and Brother Taylor started outta the baptistery. Then, when he was coming up the steps, he looked down and saw the jar that had the red food coloring in it. There was a little bit left, and he picked up the jar, shook his head, and headed for the pulpit.

When Brother Taylor came down outta the baptistery he had to come in the side door and walk right past the row of girls sitting on the side front row, and he was in such a hurry to get into the church and tell everybody it was food coloring that he just ran in swinging his arms and yelling to get everybody’s attention. Heck, he sure got those girls’ attention when he burst through that door in that red baptistery robe with red food  coloring dripping off of it. Them girls were just plastered back against that pew with their mouths open. Well, all that arm waving by Brother Taylor slung red food coloring all over that row of girls, which they thought was blood, and you should have heard them scream.

Shoot, I looked at Rosalie, and that red food coloring was dripping off her nose, and then, after another set of screams, the girls scattered like a covey of quail.

            Heck, me, John Clayton, and Ears had been standing there with our mouths open, just watching everything, and John Clayton was going on and on about what we had caused. Heck, we couldn’t take none of it back now, so I knew the time had come to bail outta the church.

“Come on, get outta here!” I whispered to Ears and John Clayton as I scooted out of my seat. We hit the back door of the church running before anybody could look around and point any fingers.

thenorphletpaperboy: The funniest chapter I have ever written!

thenorphletpaperboy: The funniest chapter I have ever written!: This is the first part of a Chapter in Lyin' Like a Dog. I have been asked, "What's the finniest chapter in all of the 12...

The funniest chapter I have ever written!

This is the first part of a Chapter in Lyin' Like a Dog.

I have been asked, "What's the finniest chapter in all of the 12 Richard, the Norphlet Paperboy books? This is it, and since it's fairly long I'll finish it in my next post.

Richard speaks:

“Oh, it is; look at this.” I held up the big bottle of red food coloring for John Clayton to see.

            “What?”

            “This is red food coloring and when you just put a few drops in a bucket of water it’ll turn the whole entire bucket of water red.”

            “So what?”

            “Well, do you remember that moron Homer Ray is gettin’ baptized tonight?”

            “Yeah, oh, wait a minute. You’re not? Are you?”

            “You bet I am, and when that baptistery water turns red, it’s gonna be the funniest thing you ever did see. That sorry rat will just go crazy.”

            “Ain’t you worried ’bout doing something like that in the church?”

            “Naw, you know that sorry Homer Ray is fakin’ being saved, and this’ll be okay, ’cause he’s tryin’ to trick God.”

            “But won’t the preacher and Homer Ray see the red water before they step into the baptistery?”

            “Nope, ’cause it won’t be red when they get in. Heck, I’m gonna sit it on the second step, and when they walk down the steps, the water will come up, and all the food colorin’ will dump out in the baptistery. Heck, after Brother Taylor dunks Homer Ray three times, the water in that baptistery will be sloshin’ round like the ocean, and everything in it will be red. Just imagine what that stupid Homer Ray is gonna think when his white baptistery robe turns red. Heck, we can get Ears to tell Homer Ray something ’bout the blood, and as dumb as Homer Ray is, he’ll think the water has done turned to blood ’cause he’s tryin’ to fool God.”

            “Shoot, Richard, that probably will shake up someone as stupid as Homer Ray, but won’t it bother Brother Taylor, and what ’bout all the people out in the church? What are they gonna think when the baptistery water turns red?”

            “I swear, John Clayton, you try to make something outta everything. Won’t nobody in the church, but that moron Homer Ray, pay no attention to that water. Heck, you worry too much. Don’t you want to get even with that worthless bully?”

            “Yeah, I sure do, but I don’t know, Richard. If I was just sittin’ out in the church, and all of a sudden the baptistery waster turned red, I’d kinda be upset. You know that would look a whole lot like a miracle.”

            “Well, I guess I shoulda called Ears. Are you gonna chicken out on me?”

            “No I ain’t, but I think you’re wrong if you don’t think some folks are gonna get upset.”

            “Aw, who cares? This is too good of a trick not to do. We’ve been waiting forever to get even with Homer Ray. Come on. Let’s put this jar of food colorin’ on the baptistery steps and head back home.”

Well, we headed for the side door of the church, which we knew was never locked, and soon we were standing in the back of the church, ready to climb the steps to the baptistery.

            “Wait a minute, Richard, I just thought of something else. I don’t know if we should be doin’ this. Heck, what if we make God mad?”

            “Naw, we ain’t gonna make God mad. Shoot, if you was God and sorry Homer Ray, who really wasn’t saved, but was trying to fool folks, got all worked up ’cause the baptistery water turned red, what would you do?”

            “Laugh?”

            “Yeah, God’s gonna laugh.”

            “I hope so, but what if…?”

            “Dang, you whiner; shut up. Come on and let’s put this jar in the baptistery.”

            Well, it didn’t take us but a few minutes to put the jar of red food coloring on one of the steps leading down into the water, where, when Brother Taylor and Homer Ray came down into the water, the jar would be turned over. We were outta the church in less than five minutes. I couldn’t help but just snicker as I walked back toward Main Street thinking about what was gonna happen. Gosh, this was gonna be the best trick I’d ever come up with.

thenorphletpaperboy: Runaways

thenorphletpaperboy: Runaways: “We have two sleeper reservations in coach number two,” Momma said. The man hurried to move our bags over to a little cart, and then he ...

Runaways

“We have two sleeper reservations in coach number two,” Momma said. The man hurried to move our bags over to a little cart, and then he turned and asked Momma, “What’s your destination?”

“Oklahoma City.”

Runaways is part of the Richard, the Paperboy series. Richard and John Clayton turn fourteen in New Orleans---on Bourbon Street!

.....Heck, just hearing Momma say that nearly sent me over the edge again, but I took a deep breath and tried not to be upset. A whistle broke into my thoughts as the Rocket approached the station. Yeah, me and Momma had ridden the Rocket when I was 10 on a trip to see grandmother, who lives in Wetumpka, but this was different. As the big, red engine pulled into the station, the excitement at seeing the Rocket was replaced by the dread of leaving the only life I knew. And then the conductor yelled out: “All aboard the Rock Island Rocket! Little Rock, Fort Smith, and Oklahoma City and all stations in between! All aboard!”

“Come on, Richard; I’ll be right behind you. Just turn left and look for seats 1-A and 1-B. We’ll sit there until they make up our sleepers at eight o’clock.”

Momma gave me a little shove, and I started up the steps into the coach car. I made it to the top step, and then I stopped. I couldn’t make myself go another inch. I heard Momma say, “Richard, go on into the car and find our seats.” But I still didn’t move. Momma started pushing me, and then I looked up and there stood the conductor.

“Son, there’s nothing to be afraid of. The Rocket is the safest passenger train on tracks.”

I still didn’t move, but with Momma pushing and the conductor pulling, I made it into the coach car.

“Richard, find 1-A and 1-B,” Momma said, trying to calm me down and give me something to do. I slowly walked down the aisle, and right at the end of the coach, I found our seats. I plopped down and stuck my nose to the window trying to take in as much of South Arkansas as I could before I left it.

“Richard, I know you’re upset, but remember all those nights that your Daddy came in drunk and upset everybody so much? Just think about not having to worry about that ever again. You can sleep sound knowing you won’t have to get up and try to calm down your father. And you’ll make so many new friends.”

“But Momma, I already have friends! And I’m leaving Sniffer…” Momma put her arm around me and tried to calm me. About that time, I heard the conductor blow a whistle and the train gave a jerk.

“Momma, I think I’m gonna be sick. I need to go to the restroom.”

“Okay, Richard, it’s at the back of the car.”

I got up, walked the length of the car, and…passed the restroom. I looked back, and Momma was reading a newspaper. Bye Momma, crossed my mind as I turned to the exit door and hopped off the slow-moving train.

thenorphletpaperboy: Scores from Surviving Marriage

thenorphletpaperboy: Scores from Surviving Marriage: YOUR SCORE    (go back and take the test.)                                                         ______ Total your points and check...

Scores from Surviving Marriage

YOUR SCORE   (go back and take the test.)                                                    ______

Total your points and check the results below.—1600 possible points

                          Test analysis

Over 1500….an exceptional high quality marriage…you’re in the top (5%.) Pat yourself on the back.

Over 1280….a good strong marriage---but could stand some moderate improvement. You're in the top (20%.)

Over 1120….well above average, but you’re a good candidate to move up to that magic 5%. You're in the top (30%.)

Over 960….Above average, but you have some critical marriage problems to solve. You're in the top (40%) category.

Over 800…You need to make some drastic changes or the marriage won’t last. You're in the (50%) category.

Over 640…Unless you make some changes, find a good lawyer. You're in the bottom (40%) category.

            A final word: By reading this book you’ve shown you care about your marriage and want to improve it. The premises of this book is very simple: A high quality marriage is the best life possible. If you believe this, then, by examining your marriage and applying the concepts listed in the various chapters, you can raise the quality of your marriage to a new level. It may be that your score is relatively good…maybe above  twelve-hundred. However,  even if you have a good quality marriage, there is always room for improvement.

thenorphletpaperboy: I Will Drink Your Blood---excerpt

thenorphletpaperboy: I Will Drink Your Blood---excerpt: Richard, John Clayton, and their Catholic friend Herbert Ray have just been to the Catholic Church in El Dorado to get Holy Water---Part...

I Will Drink Your Blood---excerpt

Richard, John Clayton, and their Catholic friend Herbert Ray have just been to the Catholic Church in El Dorado to get Holy Water---Part of a plan to ward off the Vampire Werewolf of Flat Creek Swamp

.......Well, after the Communion and more prayers, Father Gregory let us fill up our jars with Holy Water, and then we headed back up the street to the Ritz Theater. Well, I didn’t think that much about John Clayton downing all that wine, but Herbert Ray was sure upset.

“I can’t believe you drank the whole goblet of wine. I’ve never been so embarrassed. I just hope Father Gregory can get the wine out of his robe.”

John Clayton smiled, looked kinda funny, and said, “Might just become a Catholic, Herbert Ray.”

“What? Are you nuts? After what you did, they probably wouldn’t let you even come back in the church.”

Well, John Clayton didn’t seemed bothered one little bit about drinking the whole goblet of wine. In fact, he started whistling as we were walking along. Now, I’ve heard John Clayton whistle, but it’s usually to call dogs. Heck, he weren’t calling dogs now. It was some song that I couldn’t figure out, at least I couldn’t until he started singing it. ’Course, John Clayton really can sing. In fact he’s usually picked to be the singer in all the school plays, but he has never, never sang “Chattanooga Choo Choo” while walking down Main Street. Naw, wait a minute, he wasn't just walking, he was doing a choo-choo-like little dance, moving like a train as pumped his hands.

“What are you doing? What’s wrong with you?” I said. John Clayton looked at me and said, “Choo-choo, baby, choo-choo!” Shoot, his eyes had a glassy look like he’d been slapped alongside his head, and he was popping his lips up and down between the singing of “Chattanooga Choo Choo.”

Heck, people were starting to stare at John Clayton, who now had begun to roar down the street like a runaway train. Then I thought about the big goblet of wine. Yeah, the little idiot is drunk! I thought. Shoot, trying to get a 13-year-old drunk down Main Street without people thinking he needed to be committed, was really hard to do.

What was really embarrassing was when we met some adult, and if it was a woman, John Clayton would bow and say, “My dear, you look loverly.” Or if it was a man he’d say something like, “Good morning, sir. Nice to see you again.” And then he’d stick out his hand, and then when the man stuck out his hand, John Clayton would switch hands. And if one of us didn’t grab him, he’d keep doing it until the man stomped off.

Listen, the way folks were looking at him, I figured somebody was gonna send for a net and wagon to haul him off. We finally made it to the Ritz Theater, and I ran up and bought three tickets, and pulled John Clayton into the lobby. I figured he’d sober up by the time the double feature was over.

As we were about to go into the theater, I saw Old Man Slater, the theater manager, heading our way. Well, I knew why he was coming over to talk with us. It was gonna be another warning about playing some of our tricks in the theater. You know like having an owl-hooting contest—stuff like that.

“Listen up, you Norphlet boys: I don’t want any trouble out of you.” He was still shaking his bony finger at us when John Clayton saluted, got down on his knees, and started wailing, “Yas, sur, yas, sur, but please don’t beat me again! I promise we won’t sneak in no more. Looky here, we done bought tickets today.”

Well, it was really funny, and then John Clayton started to kiss his shoes. Gosh, kids were all around us laughing like crazy, and I was trying to pull John Clayton up off the floor. Old Man Slater was so shocked he just stood there until I finally pulled John Clayton up, and with Herbert Ray on one side and me on the other, we dragged our friend into the theater, while he started singing “Chattanooga Choo Choo” again, waving his arms like he was some famous singer.

That part was really, really embarrassing for us—having to walk with John Clayton skipping down a dark theater aisle, bouncing off both sides while crooning. Heck, he stopped about halfway down the aisle and announced,  “I can out-sing anybody in the theater.” Shoot, he’d just got that out of his mouth, when a half-bag of popcorn hit him alongside his head.

“Who did that?” he yelled.

“Me, and if you don’t sit down, that ain’t all that's gonna hit you.”

Wow, it was a kid about twice the size of John Clayton, and I grabbed John Clayton’s arm and started to pull him down the aisle.

“You and what army? We’ll stomp you sorry ass if you say another word!” John Clayton shouted.

We? I thought.

Oh my gosh, the big kid was trying to get out to the aisle. Heck, Herbert Ray got on one side of John Clayton and I got on the other, and we dragged John Clayton down front. After he sat down and the picture show started, I figured everything was gonna be okay, but I was wrong. About half-way through the Lash LaRue serial, John Clayton leaned over and whispered to me, “I’m gonna throw up.”

Gosh, I had been leaning back really enjoying Lash LaRue, until I heard those words.

“Come on, Herbert Ray! Let’s get out of here. Hurry! Hurry!”

“What? Why?”

Well, I didn’t have to tell Herbert Ray what was about to happen ’cause just then John Clayton vomited like a fire hose all over two rows of seats, and you could have heard kids scream halfway to Norphlet. Heck, I was running up the aisle like the place was on fire, and I didn’t stop until I got to the back row. Me and Herbert Ray slipped in there and hunkered down, while all the kids down front gagged and yelled.

Shoot, when Old Man Slater heard all the racket, he hightailed