Thursday, December 29, 2016
thenorphletpaperboy: A World without Regulations
thenorphletpaperboy: A World without Regulations: A World without Regulations Gosh, that sounds really good....uh, but does that means everybody...
A World without Regulations
A World without Regulations
Gosh,
that sounds really good....uh, but does that means everybody can do anything
they want? Well, no, that went out when we came out of caves. Actually, the
stated goal is to get rid of all those ‘unnecessary’ government regulations. Of
course, that sounds great, but what are the unnecessary regulations? I guess,
if you’re only interested in the bottom line, those are the regulations that
cost you money. But maybe we do need some regulations, like vaccinating our
dogs. Well, yeah, we all agree the regulation to vaccinate our dogs for Rabies
is needed, so to find out the really unnecessary ones, we must look at the big
picture.
Our
Attorney General is suing the EPA to overturn new regulations that would force
coal-fired electrical generating plants to reduce emissions, and in addition, a
separate suit has been filed to rescind other recently mandated regulations
that would reduce contaminated runoff into the state's streams. Of course, the
overall goal of the EPA is to clean up the air we breathe and the stream water
in our Nation. Sounds okay, but if that is exactly what the new regulations
would do, then why is our A G suing the EPA? Yes, you guessed it----money,
money, money. It's the age old problem; short term goals to make as much money
as possible, and ignore the long term consequences. Americans have been
doing that since our country was founded.
When
I was a boy growing up in South Arkansas, a common sight were the salt flats.
Completely dead areas about fifty yards wide that bordered any stream that
flowed through the oilfields. It was cheaper to dump saltwater into the streams
than to dispose of it properly. If you were an oil producer you made more money
by just killing the nearby creek. The rules our AG is suing the EPA to rescind
will cost corporations and others money. It as simple as that. Those
rules are part of the EPA’s overall plan to keep our citizens from suffering
the horrible consequences of no regulations the Chinese are contending with.
Today, the Chinese are wearing masks and factories are being shut down because
of filthy, killing smog, and believe it or not, Mongolia is five times as bad!
New-born babies are dying because of the dirty air. If that is so, and it is,
then why, for God's sake, are the Chinese doing it? The short version is very
simple: the lack of regulations equals a short term profit, and they are
putting money ahead of a better quality of life.
.Well,
how have the lack of regulations in the past affected the average American?
Let's look at a simple example: I'd like to go Passenger Pigeon hunting today,
but I can't. Yeah, of course I know why---they’re extinct! Why are they
extinct? A very simple answer is---no regulations and money. In the
1800s the sky was black with pigeons---an estimated 500,000,000. However, by the
1920 our great, great grandparents had killed all 500,000,000, and they made a
profit doing so. In Arkansas, barrel after barrel of pigeon breasts were salted
down and shipped down river to New Orleans, and the folks who slaughtered the
Passenger Pigeons made money. I can't walk through the former virgin
forest that once covered our state either. Yep, we cut 'em all down and made a
ton of money doing it.
Well,
what's the bottom line to all of this? It's very simple: Regulations are a mark
of a more civilized society, and the more civilized we become the better
quality of life we have because of regulations, but if we put the goal of
making as much money as possible, then we must adopt an overall goal to
have little or no regulations.
The
AG's efforts to rescind air and water quality regulations are a step back from
a more civilized America. It's an effort to continue burning the dirtiest fuel
on the planet, coal. But burning coal will not only reduce our air quality
where big utilities can make more money, but it will add to the mercury in our
fish. That's right; the mercury found in our Arkansas fish is a direct result
of coal and lignite burning plants in Arkansas and East Texas. Consequences?
Consider how many babies have been born with a reduced I Q or other birth
defects because their pregnant mother ate too much contaminated fish? That’s
the price we pay to make money by burning coal.
Of
course, many of our streams are almost open sewers because of the lack of
meaningful regulations, and the Buffalo National River is in the process
of becoming polluted by hog waste that will run off the land adjacent to Big
Creek, a tributary the feeds the Buffalo National River. In five years the
spineless Arkansas Department of Environmental Quality will have a red face,
because the National Park Service will close the River to swimming---but it
will be too late. The river will be polluted for a generation.
No,
we don't want a world without regulations, unless making money is our
only goal in life.
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
thenorphletpaperboy: Rex Tillerson of Exxon-Mobil will make a great Sec...
thenorphletpaperboy: Rex Tillerson of Exxon-Mobil will make a great Sec...: ARKANSAS BY Richard Mason Rex Tillerson...
Rex Tillerson of Exxon-Mobil will make a great Secretary of State
ARKANSAS
BY
Richard Mason
Rex Tillerson CEO of Exxon-Mobil will
make a great Secretary of State
What? Can a person who is working to stop the Buffalo
National River from being polluted by a Factory Hog Farm say that?
You bet, I can, and here's why: Rex Tillerson is considered
one of the top, worldwide business leaders, and in making those business relationships,
he has made personal contacts with the leadership of almost every significant
country in the world.
In those contacts, he represented Exxon-Mobil shareholders,
and his representation has been hugely successful in increasing the net value
of those shareholders investments. Naturally, if you are a CEO of a worldwide
exploration company, you must have good relations with countries, such as
Russia, who have huge oil reserves. It’s a requirement to do business. The idea
that a company must represent the political goals of the United States is
unrealistic, would cripple our international business relationships, and do a
great disservice to their shareholders. International companies all over the world do
business with countries who don’t represent their political preferences. Boeing
just agree to sell Iran 16.6 billion dollars’ worth of planes, as a recent
example.
However, while his business connections are a very positive
attribute to Mr. Tillerson, it’s not the primary reason I believe he’ll be a
great Secretary of State. Mr. Tillerson is the CEO of Exxon-Mobil, a company
that I believe demands high ethical and environmental standards. I'm convinced
his career at Exxon-Mobil, domestically and with Esso overseas, instilled in
him the ethical way to conduct business. This is my take on Exxon-Mobil’s
ethics: I went to work for Exxon, right out of college, as a geologist, and I was
assigned to the Southwest Texas District, which included the King Ranch. I spent
the next two years primarily evaluating the numerous wells Exxon drilled on the
Ranch. Of course, you would expect drilling and producing wells on the famous
King Ranch would be handled with kid gloves, and you’d be right. Every
producing well and drilling rig on the ranch maintained the top environmental
and industry standards. In the 1930s the ranch of one million acres was leased
by Humble Oil and Refining Company, which was merged into Exxon in the 1960s.
Over the past 75 years Exxon has drilled hundreds of wells, produced millions
of barrels of oil without any significant, even minor damage to the ranch.
The King Ranch is famous for developing the Santa Gertrudis
breed of cattle, and a number of years back Bob Kleberg, who then, was the head
of the King Ranch Corporation, was asked, by a cattleman: “Your Santa Gertrudis seem to thrive on the Ranch. What do you make of
that?"
Bob Kleberg is reported to have grinned and answered, "I think they do best in the shade of
all those oil and gas christmas trees." A testament to Exxon's care
for the land.
Yes, I know you're thinking, but that’s the famous King Ranch. Of course, you're right, and you
might say, "Well, what about their
foreign operations? Say, if they were drilling in the middle of the Sahara
Desert, would they do it differently?"
Well, let me tell you, from a firsthand experience, how
Esso operates overseas. After working on the King Ranch for a couple of years,
I took a transfer to Benghazi, Libya, where I spent two years as a geologist
evaluating wells drilled in the Libyan Sahara Desert. I watched those wells
from (spud) start to finish, and I’m sure the Libyan Government would have
ignored spills, trash, and pumping waste water and drilling mud out on the
ground. However, Exxon-Mobil-Esso employees have only one way to operate, and that’s
the same whether it's on the King Ranch or in the middle of the Libyan Sahara
Desert. When we left a Libyan Desert location, it was as clean a one on the
King Ranch. Rex Tillerson has those operational ethics ingrained in him by
working for one of the great American companies. He will represent our country
admirably, and by having one of the top business leaders in the world
representing us, America will be well served.
Now, don't think for a minute, I’m giving my endorsement as
a blank check to the Trump administrant. There are a couple of his cabinet
selections I’m aghast at. I'm just saying he hit a home run with Exxon-Mobil’s Rex
Tillerson.
Thursday, December 8, 2016
thenorphletpaperboy: Have We Lost Christmas?
thenorphletpaperboy: Have We Lost Christmas?: Have We Lost Christmas? Well, have we? I guess we’d have to define Christmas before we can answer that. In today’s world the...
Have We Lost Christmas?
Have We Lost Christmas?
Well, have we? I guess we’d have to define Christmas
before we can answer that. In today’s world the Christmas Season, as some call
it, starts well before---would you believe---Halloween. Yes, and if the trend
continues it’ll soon start by Labor Day. Many of our stores and their shoppers
would agree the Christmas Season is starting earlier every year, but the rush
to shop and the stores push to sell is not the Christmas Season. No, it’s the
Holiday Shopping Season, and it’s become a worldwide excuse to shop and sell.
Santa Claus is showing up in Japan, Korea, and China, and Black Friday, Digital
Monday, and Small Business Saturday are there to be sure those billions of
shoppers don’t miss anything. So, if we consider Christmas as a shopping and
gift giving season and nothing more, then we have lost Christmas. Yes, buying and selling is certainly a part of
our fall and winter season, but it’s not Christmas. Christmas is spiritual. But being spiritual can fit in along with
gifts, Christmas Parties, and Christmas dinners. But it doesn’t just happen
unless we focus on what makes a Spiritual Christmas.
Our Church Choir sang a piece of music recently that
made me think about a Spiritual Christmas. The song was called “Peace” and in the song the spirit of
Christmas comes through loud and clear. “Joy,
Love, and Peace” were musically linked together, and those three words
represent a real spiritual Christmas.
The Joy of a spiritual Christmas is expressed in many
ways, and receiving a special gift is one of them. When I was 13, my family
lived in a small, farm house a mile from town, and our resources were meager. That
year I remember thinking a Christmas stocking with oranges, apples, and candy
along with a new shirt or sweater, was going to be about it for me. That
Christmas morning, when I walked into the living room, I spotted the Christmas
Stocking and sure enough there was that rectangular box that I was sure was a
shirt, but oh, my gosh! There was another present that took my breath---it was
a Browning Sweet 16 Shotgun. I could only stand there saying “Oh, oh, oh.” The
joy of receiving overwhelmed me, but equally my parents, who had sacrificed to
buy me that wonderful present, experienced the joy of giving.
Years later Vertis and I stretched a bit to buy our 10
year old daughter a rabbit fur jacket. Our daughter was so happy and shocked
that Christmas morning, she immediately burst into tears. We had the spiritual
joy of giving and our daughter had the joy of receiving.
However, you don’t need all the trapping of Christmas
to have a spiritual Christmas. I remember a Christmas, far away from family and
friends, where one Christmas Eve, Vertis and I sat in a damp concrete-block
house in front of a small fireplace, and tried to tune in the BBC on a
short-wave radio to hear Christmas Carols. We were living in Benghazi, Libya
and that Christmas without Christmas decorations, family or friends our only
joy was to be with each other. Yes, it was a spiritual Christmas because as
lonely as we were, we still had the inner love, joy, and peace of Christmas.
When we think of Christmas Love, we must place the
Christ Child as the center of our Christmas thoughts. God sent Jesus because he
loved us, and naturally as the song “Peace”
says…”Now is the time for love…” Yes,
if we miss out on the Christmas love that we should be sharing, we truly have
lost Christmas. Christmas should be a time when we express that love to not
only family members, but others who have been a special part of our lives.
Now let’s consider the elusive peace of Christmas. Of
course, the angles sang …”Peace on
Earth…” and our Christmas song “Peace”
goes, “and now is the time for Peace…”
But do we have the peace of Christmas this year? We have just been through the
most continuous presidential race in our memory, and we need to come together united
in peace, love, and joy to face our Nation’s problems. Yes, it is possible. I
remember standing on Fifth Avenue across from Saint Patricks’ Cathedral right
after 9/11 watching as firemen carried one of their own from the church. An
American flag was flying in the north wind from a ladder truck, and I have
never been prouder to be an American. We need to, as a nation, have peace and
unity as we did after 9/11, and that Peace starts with our family and friends.
No, we haven’t lost Christmas. It’s still there for
the taking. So this Christmas, as we exchange gifts, spend time with family and
friends, and share a peaceful Christmas dinner, think of Joy, Love, and Peace. Those three words are the spirit of
Christmas, and if you celebrate Christmas with those words firmly in your
heart, you certainly won’t have lost Christmas.
Thursday, June 9, 2016
thenorphletpaperboy: The Yankee Doctor---excerpt from the funniest of t...
thenorphletpaperboy: The Yankee Doctor---excerpt from the funniest of t...: Yes, The Yankee Doctor is by all accounts the most popular and funniest of the 12 Richard, the Norphlet Paperboy books. Here I am at El Do...
The Yankee Doctor---excerpt from the funniest of the bunch
Yes, The Yankee Doctor is by all accounts the most popular and funniest of the 12 Richard, the Norphlet Paperboy books. Here I am at El Dorado High School talking about my books.
The (Evil) Yankee Doctor and his nurse, Miss Tina---the boys are getting even!
Miss Tina Carl ran
over to Doctor Carl ’s car. They opened the doors and
jumped in.
Miss Tina
John Clayton John Clayton
“All right, Richard ,
but you better get ready ‘cause the last patient in the waitin’ room just went
in.”
Evidently
that last patient didn’t have much wrong with him ‘cause it wasn’t ten minutes
until he left Doctor Carl ’s office, and Miss Tina
“Now, let’s
go, run, run!” I whispered.
We dashed
across the street, stoppin’ at the office door to look ‘round, to be sure
nobody could see us, and as John Clayton held the door open, I ran in and
dumped ‘bout 25 pounds of roaches on the floor behind Miss Tina’s desk. They
were scurryin’ all over the office, climbin’ up the desk legs, and fannin’ out
all ‘cross the floor by the time I got back to the door. The floor was almost a
carpet of roaches. I closed the door
real softly, John
Clayton
“Hey, John Clayton
“Richard , look, that’s Doctor Carl ’s
car! See if it’s unlocked!” John
Clayton
“It’s
unlocked!”
“Dump the
rest of the roaches in the car.”
I opened
the door and shook the tow sack real good. There were a lot more roaches in
that sack than I thought. I shut the door, and we crouched in the patch of
weeds waitin’ for Miss
Tina
“Oh my God,
John Clayton
“What? No,
you didn’t. In fact, I had to stop you, or we’d have had 30 or 40 pounds of roaches.”
We were in
a panic now as we watched roaches climb up the plate glass window.
My heart
was beatin’ so hard I could hear it, and John Clayton
Well, we
waited and waited and nothin’ happened. Where was Miss Tina
Evidently Miss Tina Carl had a long talk or something, ‘cause
she stayed and stayed in the back room.
“Dang, Richard , maybe all the roaches will leave if she stays
out a little longer. I sure hope so.”
“Nahaa,
they can’t go nowheres but in that one little room, and man, 25 pounds of roaches
is a heck of a lot of roaches.”
“Oh, oh,
oh,” moaned John
Clayton
Just then Miss Tina John
Clayton
“Where are
all the roaches,” I whispered.
“Maybe they
all ran off because she was in the back so long.”
“Ahaaaaaaaa!”
Suddenly there was a hair-raisin’
scream, that you could’ve heard 10 miles away, and Miss Tina jumped up from her
desk, slappin’ her legs, and dancin’ ‘round while she screeched at the top of
her lungs.
“Ahaaaaa, help, help, ahaaaaaa, Carl , come here! There’re roaches everywhere!
Ahaaaaaaa, oh, Carl , they’re on my
legs! Ahaaaaaaa!”
She pulled her skirt all the way up
to her panties to slap one of the faster roaches as she screamed and jumped ‘round
the office. Heck, I know I was upset ‘bout puttin’ too many roaches in that
office, but shoot, after Miss Tina went just wild, I rolled over laughin’ so hard I thought I’d
bust a gut.
Her screams
brought Doctor Carl autta his office, and he saw the
roaches right off ‘cause Miss
Tina Carl stood there for a minute like he didn’t know what to
make of it, and before he could move a bunch of roaches ran up his shoe and
right up his pants leg.
“Oh, oh, whooooo, one of them is up
my pants leg,” he yelled.
We could see the whole thing as we
crouched there in the weeds. Shoot, in all my born days I’ve never seen nothin’
like it. That office was just goin’ plum crazy, and now Doctor Carl
was shoutin’ some words that was so bad you wouldn’t believe it.
“Come here, Tina ,
let’s get out of here.”
Doctor Carl grabbed Miss
Tina Miss
Tina Carl finally grabbed the door knob. We could
hear him from across the street.
“Ahaaaaa,
damn, this door won’t open!” he screamed as he yanked and pulled with Miss Tina
yellin’ in his ear to let her out of that office or she was gonna die.
“Carl ! Carl !
They’re up my leg again! Ahaaaaaa! They’re in my hair!”
Doctor Carl
pushed and pulled that door so hard that he slipped down again. He jumped up
and yelled at Miss Tina
“Tina , get away from the door!”
Then Doctor
Carl picked up one of the chairs from the waitin’
room and threw it through the door glass. He stepped through the broken glass
and managed to pull out the board we’d put under the door, and finally they
both ran out still slappin’ at roaches.
“Tina , quick, get in the car!” he yelled.
When he
said that, John Clayton and I looked at each other and almost split from just
thinkin’ ‘bout Miss Tina jumpin’ in Doctor Carl’s big car which was full of roaches.
We could see ‘em stickin’ to the car windows from across the street.
“Ahaaaaa!
Ahaaaaaa!”
“Car, this car is full of roaches!”
screamed Miss Tina Carl was cursin’ and yellin’ like
nothin’ I’ve ever heard, while he knocked roaches off his suit, but Miss Tina
“Carl ,
help; get this damn roach out of my hair,” she screamed.
Doctor Carl
slapped a really big one right above Miss Tina
“Oh, oh, damn you, Carl ! Now I’ve got roach guts in my hair!”
Finally, they both knocked off the
last of the roaches. Miss
Tina Carl grabbed her by the hand and they hurriedly
walked ‘round the block. I was sure they were goin’ to look for Curly.
“Come
on, Friday, May 27, 2016
thenorphletpaperboy: Panic in Langley Bottom--an excerpt
thenorphletpaperboy: Panic in Langley Bottom--an excerpt: Deep in Langley Bottom the boys come across an old house place: ........“Uh, huh, and you had better watch out, ’cause check out tha...
Panic in Langley Bottom--an excerpt
Deep in Langley Bottom the boys come across an old house place:
........“Uh, huh, and you had better watch out, ’cause check out
that spider over by the wall. It’s a durn Black Widow.”
Yeah, it sure was, and as we climbed the stairs to the
second floor it seemed Black Widow spiders were everywhere. I don’t think I
have ever seen so many. Well, we were real careful, and when we reached the
second floor we started going from room to room. They were all empty with the
doors off, except one room at the end of the hall.
I opened the door and peeked in.
“Hey, they left something in this room.” I could see that
the room wasn’t completely empty, and there was something that looked like
furniture in the dim light. John Clayton followed me in, and, sure enough,
there was some stuff that had been left in the room.
“Hey, look at this, a desk and chair. I wonder why they totally
cleaned out the house except for this room?” I wondered aloud.
“Shoot, let’s open the drawers, and see if they’re full of
hundred-dollar bills.” John Clayton said. He kinda skipped over and sat down at
the desk, propped his feet up, and acted as if he was in charge.
“Just a minute, my man. I have your thousand-dollar bonus
right here in my desk drawer.” Yeah, I
was laughing up a storm, and I stuck my hand out to get my fake bonus as John
Clayton pulled the desk drawer open and reached in to get my money.
“Ahaaaaaaa!”
Wow, he jumped straight up, just waving his hand like he’d
shook hands with the Devil, and then I saw it. A little brown lizard was in the
drawer, and it had jumped on his hand when he reached in the drawer. Well, it
was a pretty good laugh, but John Clayton didn’t think it was that hilarious.
“I ain’t openin’ no more desk drawers!” he yelled. He shook
his hand around just to be sure the lizard had hopped off, and came over to
where I was standing.
“Well, the desk and chair are the only things in the room,”
I said. “Let’s go back downstairs and
head for the field behind the house. Heck, we came to look for arrowheads not
rummage through an old house.”
I took one last look
around the room before we left. There were several windows with shades that
were pulled down to where the room was nearly dark, but there was one broken
window where the top part of the glass was open, which let a little light into
the room. We stood there for a few seconds looking around, to be sure the room
was completely empty, except for the desk and chair, like all the other rooms
in the house, but then I noticed a closet that had the top of the door busted
open. It was kinda funny looking ’cause the busted part of the closet door was
the only place in the room where the sun from the broken window pane shinned
through.
“Look at the corner behind you, John Clayton; I wonder
what’s behind that closet door?” John
Clayton was standing about 10 feet from the closet door, and he turned to look
at it.
“Hey, we’ll find out in about two seconds,” he said. And
then he walked across the room toward the door, just as we heard this noise
again.
“Noooooooooooooo.”
Naw, I didn’t think the wind was blowing, and something
deep inside me was causing the hair on the back of my neck to stand straight
up. And right then something just shouted inside my head, Don’t open that door!
John Clayton was almost to the door when I yelled, “Don’t
open that door!”
“Something inside of me just told me to not open that
closet door.”
“That sounds so stupid, Richard. Why shouldn’t I open it?”
“I don’t know. I just have this bad feeling.”
“Do you think there’s anything in this closet?” he
questioned.
“Nope, I’ll bet it’s just like the rest of the house, but
something just tells me not to open it.it.”
“Well, there ain’t nothin’ or nobody tellin’ me not to open it, so I’m gonna check it
out.”
That was about a second before he yanked the closet door
open.
“Ahasaaaaa! Oh,
my God!”
At first I didn’t know what was happening, because
everything was just a blur with some things just filling the air, and then John
Clayton let out another scream, “Ahhhhhhhh!
Something is tangled up in my hair!”
About that time, I noticed the room was just full of some
flying things, and from the looks of it there were hundreds. Yeah, I figured it
out pretty fast.
“Bats!” I yelled. “The closet is a bat roost, and you have
one in your hair!” I yelled.
Well, John Clayton finally got the bat out of his hair, and
the rest of the bats flew out through the broken window. Uh, huh, that scared
the do-waddle out of us, but after we calmed down a bit, we finally just
laughed. Okay, maybe I just laughed ’cause John Clayton didn’t think it was
that funny having a bat tangled up in his bushy brown hair.
Monday, May 23, 2016
thenorphletpaperboy: Seven Five Star Reviews!
thenorphletpaperboy: Seven Five Star Reviews!: Southern Historical fiction set in 1945 during the Second World War. Previous novels of this series have been favorably compared to Mark Tw...
Seven Five Star Reviews!
Southern Historical fiction set in 1945 during the Second World War. Previous novels of this series have been favorably compared to Mark Twain's Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. The 13 book series has garnered numerous five star Amazon reviews. The series is a nostalgic look at a time when families huddled by the radio, with young boys listening to The Lone Ranger and The Green Hornet. Later the adults would tune in famous newscaster Walter Winchell; "Good evening Mr. and Mrs. North and South America and all the ships at sea....this just in...General Patton's army continues to march across Germany..." The numerous Amazon Five Star Reviews have all been from adults, but the readers of these books have ranged from teens to senior adults. The series is truly a book for all ages. Several reviewers have called Richard Mason "Americas' New Mark Twain."
Monday, May 16, 2016
thenorphletpaperboy: Part two---funniest writing
thenorphletpaperboy: Part two---funniest writing: Me and John Clayton stood there and talked until about 6:15 , and then I told him to go find Ears and meet me at the side door of the...
Part two---funniest writing
Me and John
Clayton 6:15 , and then
I told him to go find Ears and meet me at the side door of the church. In a
couple of minutes John
Clayton
“Listen, Ears, we’ve got a great
trick planned for that idiot, Homer Ray, and we want you to help.”
“Homer Ray
“Well, Ears, we’ll tell you
everything when you get back from talking with Homer Ray
“What? Why do you want me to go talk
to Homer Ray
“Well, Ears, if me or John Clayton
“Okay, what do you want me to tell
him?”
“Just say this, ‘Homer Ray
“Huh?”
“What the heck does ‘The blood will
get you’ mean?”
“We’ll, tell you when you get back,
and Homer Ray
“Okay, get goin’, Ears.”
Ears slipped in the side door, and
sure enough Homer
Ray Brother Taylor .
“Homer Ray
“What? What in the hell are you
talking about, Ears?”
Well, Ears just gave Homer Ray Homer Ray
We were just about ready to go into
the church when Rosalie and Freckles
came walking down the sidewalk heading for the front door of the church.
“Richard ,
I gotta tell Freckles. Shoot, I don’t want her to get upset with me if she
finds out we did the blood trick.”
“No, you ain’t ‘bout to tell her,
‘cause she’ll blab it to Rosalie, and Miss Goody Two-Shoes will go straight to
Brother Taylor. You’ll blow the whole trick if you tell Freckles.”
“Dang, Richard ,
what if she gets upset when she sees the water turn red?”
“Ah, you worry too much, John Clayton
Well, John Clayton kinda whined like
he was still scared the trick was gonna upset Freckles, who he had started
liking, but he and Ears followed me around back, and we slipped in the side
door of the church and got right down front on the front row. Heck, this was
the first time in our whole entire lives that any of us had ever sat on the
front seat of the church, but we were so excited about what was about to happen
that we didn’t want to miss nothing. I looked over to my right, and there was
Freckles and Rosalie sitting with a bunch
of other girls on the front row of the side pew, and then I looked toward the
back of the church where Connie was
sitting, and she shook her head at me. That made me a little worried, but heck,
just thinking about what was about to happen had me snickering.
The baptistery in our church is
about four feet deep with steps going down each side and in the front it’s
glass for about two feet where you can see the person when they go under the
water. We settled down and the organ began to play, “Are You Washed in the Blood,” and I couldn’t believe it. Heck, it was just like the organist was in
on the trick. Well, after playing through that song our song leader asked
everyone to stand and we sang another song ‘bout a fountain filled with blood,
then another verse ‘bout being washed in the blood. Course, every time me and John Clayton Brother Taylor turned on
a real bright one over the baptistery.
I was holding my breath as Homer Ray Brother Taylor came in
from the other and met him in the middle of the baptistery. Everything looked
normal, and Brother Taylor started in talking about baptism and how Homer Ray
was gonna be washed white as snow by the blood of the lamb. Well, when Brother
Taylor said “Blood of the Lamb” me and John Clayton started snickering again,
and then Brother Taylor started talking about how the blood of Jesus was shed
for us and then started asking Homer Ray the salvation questions. We were
watching the water, but nothing seemed to be happening. Then Brother Taylor grabbed Homer Ray
“In the name of the Father!” and
swoosh, Homer
Ray
“In the name of the Son!”
This time when Homer Ray Homer
Ray
Well, what happened then was really
something to see. Brother Taylor
didn’t seem to see the red water, and he was reaching for Homer Ray Homer
Ray
“Ahaaaaaaa! Blood! Blood! The
water’s done turned to blood! The blood is gonna get me! Ahaaaaaaaa!
Eyeeeeeeeeee!”
I glanced over to where the girls
were seated, and they had their hands over their mouths in shock.
Well, we were trying to hold back a
huge laugh, and I almost died trying to keep from just hoo-hawing. Brother Taylor never got
to dunk Homer
Ray Homer Ray
Heck, I looked around, and just plain old church members
that had never even said “Amen” in church was wailing and shouting like Jesus was in that baptistery, and then I glanced over
to where the girls were sitting, and they were just slap-dab frozen in their
seats.
Heck, this whole thing was getting outta hand and John Clayton Richard !”
“Shut up, John
Clayton
Well, I didn’t have
time to say nothing else because you could hear people shouting, “Blood! It’s
blood! The water’s done turned to blood!” Wow, folks started hitting the floor,
swooning or praying or just scared outta their wits. There was a rush up and
down the aisle, and ‘bout 50 people ran out of the church screaming like the
Devil had got them, and Brother Taylor wasn’t helping none.
“Brothers! Sisters!” he yelled from the baptistery, “The
Lord has touched us tonight!”
Then he held up his hands, which really did look like blood
was dripping off them, and everyone could see his baptistery robe was red. My
gosh, in my wildest dreams I never expected nothing like what swept over that
church. Course, Brother Taylor
started yelling halleluiahs and praying like a possessed man, holding his hands
up, and then he said in the most booming voice, “Judgment Day! Judgment Day!
The Lord is coming! The Lord is coming! He’ll be here in an instant! It’s the
Second Coming! I can almost hear the trumpets! Lord, come take us away!” Then
he said something that I’ll bet he regretted.
“The Lord is coming! Repent! Repent! Come and confess your
sins! Judgment is coming, right here—tonight!”
Whoa, he shouldn’t have said that because evidently a bunch
of folks in the church wasn’t ready for the judgment of the Lord to come, and
they started shouting, “Oh, save me, Lord! Save me, Lord,” and then old Miss
Parson, who’s about 106, lay down on the Lord’s supper table, held up her hands,
and screamed, “Take me to heaven, Lord!”
Well, that was wild enough, but then a bunch of people
started repenting---you know—confessing their sins out loud, heck, shouting
their confessions as loud as they could, like the Lord was deaf or something. I
thought Norphlet was a quiet little town where people just went about their
business, but when them confessions started rolling out, I knew real quickly
that there was stuff going on that I didn’t have a clue about. Things kinda went
crazy for a couple of minutes; then the Chairman of Deacons, Claude McAlister
stood up and said, “Oh, Lord, forgive me!” and when he said that everybody got real
quiet for just a second. Then he said in his loud, squeaky voice, “I’ve been
sleeping with……” I didn’t catch the last part, but evidently a bunch of folks
did because there was this big gasp, and then, heck, they was a stampede of people
heading down front to pray, and Brother Taylor started outta the baptistery.
Then, when he was coming up the steps, he looked down and saw the jar that had
the red food coloring in it. There was a little bit left, and he picked up the
jar, shook his head, and headed for the pulpit.
When Brother Taylor came down outta the baptistery he had
to come in the side door and walk right past the row of girls sitting on the
side front row, and he was in such a hurry to get into the church and tell
everybody it was food coloring that he just ran in swinging his arms and
yelling to get everybody’s attention. Heck, he sure got those girls’ attention
when he burst through that door in that red baptistery robe with red food coloring dripping off of it. Them girls were
just plastered back against that pew with their mouths open. Well, all that arm
waving by Brother Taylor
slung red food coloring all over that row of girls, which they thought was
blood, and you should have heard them scream.
Shoot, I looked at Rosalie ,
and that red food coloring was dripping off her nose, and then, after another
set of screams, the girls scattered like a covey of quail.
Heck, me, John Clayton John
Clayton
“Come on, get outta here!” I whispered to Ears and
John Clayton as I scooted out of my seat. We hit the back door of the church running
before anybody could look around and point any fingers. Wednesday, May 11, 2016
thenorphletpaperboy: The funniest chapter I have ever written!
thenorphletpaperboy: The funniest chapter I have ever written!: This is the first part of a Chapter in Lyin' Like a Dog. I have been asked, "What's the finniest chapter in all of the 12...
The funniest chapter I have ever written!
This is the first part of a Chapter in Lyin' Like a Dog.
I have been asked, "What's the finniest chapter in all of the 12 Richard, the Norphlet Paperboy books? This is it, and since it's fairly long I'll finish it in my next post.
Richard speaks:
“Oh, it
is; look at this.” I held up the big bottle of red food coloring for John
Clayton to see.
“What?”
“This is red food coloring and when
you just put a few drops in a bucket of water it’ll turn the whole entire
bucket of water red.”
“So what?”
“Well, do you remember that moron Homer
Ray is gettin’ baptized tonight?”
“Yeah, oh, wait a minute. You’re not?
Are you?”
“You bet I am, and when that
baptistery water turns red, it’s gonna be the funniest thing you ever did see.
That sorry rat will just go crazy.”
“Ain’t you worried ’bout doing
something like that in the church?”
“Naw, you know that sorry Homer Ray
is fakin’ being saved, and this’ll be okay, ’cause he’s tryin’ to trick God.”
“But won’t the preacher and Homer
Ray see the red water before they step into the baptistery?”
“Nope, ’cause it won’t be red when
they get in. Heck, I’m gonna sit it on the second step, and when they walk down
the steps, the water will come up, and all the food colorin’ will dump out in
the baptistery. Heck, after Brother Taylor dunks Homer Ray three times, the
water in that baptistery will be sloshin’ round like the ocean, and everything
in it will be red. Just imagine what that stupid Homer Ray is gonna think when
his white baptistery robe turns red. Heck, we can get Ears to tell Homer Ray
something ’bout the blood, and as dumb as Homer Ray is, he’ll think the water
has done turned to blood ’cause he’s tryin’ to fool God.”
“Shoot, Richard, that probably will
shake up someone as stupid as Homer Ray, but won’t it bother Brother Taylor,
and what ’bout all the people out in the church? What are they gonna think when
the baptistery water turns red?”
“I swear, John Clayton, you try to
make something outta everything. Won’t nobody in the church, but that moron
Homer Ray, pay no attention to that water. Heck, you worry too much. Don’t you
want to get even with that worthless bully?”
“Yeah, I sure do, but I don’t know,
Richard. If I was just sittin’ out in the church, and all of a sudden the
baptistery waster turned red, I’d kinda be upset. You know that would look a
whole lot like a miracle.”
“Well, I guess I shoulda called
Ears. Are you gonna chicken out on me?”
“No I ain’t, but I think you’re
wrong if you don’t think some folks are gonna get upset.”
“Aw, who cares? This is too good of
a trick not to do. We’ve been waiting forever to get even with Homer Ray. Come
on. Let’s put this jar of food colorin’ on the baptistery steps and head back
home.”
Well, we headed for the side door of the church, which we
knew was never locked, and soon we were standing in the back of the church,
ready to climb the steps to the baptistery.
“Wait a minute, Richard, I just
thought of something else. I don’t know if we should be doin’ this. Heck, what
if we make God mad?”
“Naw, we ain’t gonna make God mad.
Shoot, if you was God and sorry Homer Ray, who really wasn’t saved, but was trying
to fool folks, got all worked up ’cause the baptistery water turned red, what
would you do?”
“Laugh?”
“Yeah, God’s gonna laugh.”
“I hope so, but what if…?”
“Dang, you whiner; shut up. Come on
and let’s put this jar in the baptistery.”
Well, it didn’t take us but a few
minutes to put the jar of red food coloring on one of the steps leading down
into the water, where, when Brother Taylor and Homer Ray came down into the
water, the jar would be turned over. We were outta the church in less than five
minutes. I couldn’t help but just snicker as I walked back toward Main Street
thinking about what was gonna happen. Gosh, this was gonna be the best trick
I’d ever come up with.
Thursday, May 5, 2016
thenorphletpaperboy: Runaways
thenorphletpaperboy: Runaways: “We have two sleeper reservations in coach number two,” Momma said. The man hurried to move our bags over to a little cart, and then he ...
Runaways
“We have two sleeper reservations
in coach number two,” Momma said. The man hurried to move our bags over to a
little cart, and then he turned and asked Momma, “What’s your destination?”
“Oklahoma City.”
Runaways is part of the Richard, the Paperboy series. Richard and John Clayton turn fourteen in New Orleans---on Bourbon Street!
.....Heck, just hearing Momma say that
nearly sent me over the edge again, but I took a deep breath and tried not to
be upset. A whistle broke into my thoughts as the Rocket approached the station.
Yeah, me and Momma had ridden the Rocket when I was 10 on a trip to see
grandmother, who lives in Wetumpka, but this was different. As the big, red
engine pulled into the station, the excitement at seeing the Rocket was
replaced by the dread of leaving the only life I knew. And then the conductor
yelled out: “All aboard the Rock Island
Rocket! Little Rock, Fort Smith, and Oklahoma City and all stations in between!
All aboard!”
“Come on, Richard; I’ll be right
behind you. Just turn left and look for seats 1-A and 1-B. We’ll sit there
until they make up our sleepers at eight o’clock.”
Momma gave me a little shove, and
I started up the steps into the coach car. I made it to the top step, and then
I stopped. I couldn’t make myself go another inch. I heard Momma say, “Richard,
go on into the car and find our seats.” But I still didn’t move. Momma started
pushing me, and then I looked up and there stood the conductor.
“Son, there’s nothing to be
afraid of. The Rocket is the safest passenger train on tracks.”
I still didn’t move, but with
Momma pushing and the conductor pulling, I made it into the coach car.
“Richard, find 1-A and 1-B,”
Momma said, trying to calm me down and give me something to do. I slowly walked
down the aisle, and right at the end of the coach, I found our seats. I plopped
down and stuck my nose to the window trying to take in as much of South
Arkansas as I could before I left it.
“Richard, I know you’re upset,
but remember all those nights that your Daddy came in drunk and upset everybody
so much? Just think about not having to worry about that ever again. You can
sleep sound knowing you won’t have to get up and try to calm down your father.
And you’ll make so many new friends.”
“But Momma, I already have
friends! And I’m leaving Sniffer…” Momma put her arm around me and tried to
calm me. About that time, I heard the conductor blow a whistle and the train
gave a jerk.
“Momma, I think I’m gonna be
sick. I need to go to the restroom.”
“Okay, Richard, it’s at the back
of the car.”
I got up, walked the length of
the car, and…passed the restroom. I looked back, and Momma was reading a
newspaper. Bye Momma, crossed my mind
as I turned to the exit door and hopped off the slow-moving train.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
thenorphletpaperboy: Scores from Surviving Marriage
thenorphletpaperboy: Scores from Surviving Marriage: YOUR SCORE (go back and take the test.) ______ Total your points and check...
Scores from Surviving Marriage
YOUR SCORE (go back and take the test.) ______
Total your points and check the results below.—1600 possible points
Test analysis
Over 1500….an
exceptional high quality marriage…you’re in the top (5%.) Pat yourself on the
back.
Over 1280….a
good strong marriage---but could stand some moderate improvement. You're in the
top (20%.)
Over 1120….well
above average, but you’re a good candidate to move up to that magic 5%. You're
in the top (30%.)
Over 960….Above
average, but you have some critical marriage problems to solve. You're in the
top (40%) category.
Over 800…You
need to make some drastic changes or the marriage won’t last. You're in the
(50%) category.
Over 640…Unless
you make some changes, find a good lawyer. You're in the bottom (40%) category.
A final word: By
reading this book you’ve shown you care about your marriage and want to improve
it. The premises of this book is very simple: A high quality marriage is the
best life possible. If you believe this, then, by examining your
marriage and applying the concepts listed in the various chapters, you can
raise the quality of your marriage to a new level. It may be that your score is
relatively good…maybe above
twelve-hundred. However, even if
you have a good quality marriage, there is always room for improvement.
Saturday, April 30, 2016
thenorphletpaperboy: I Will Drink Your Blood---excerpt
thenorphletpaperboy: I Will Drink Your Blood---excerpt: Richard, John Clayton, and their Catholic friend Herbert Ray have just been to the Catholic Church in El Dorado to get Holy Water---Part...
I Will Drink Your Blood---excerpt
Richard, John Clayton, and their Catholic friend Herbert Ray have just been to the Catholic Church in El Dorado to get Holy Water---Part of a plan to ward off the Vampire Werewolf of Flat Creek Swamp
.......Well, after the Communion and
more prayers, Father Gregory let us fill up our jars with Holy Water, and then
we headed back up the street to the Ritz Theater. Well, I didn’t think that
much about John Clayton downing all that wine, but Herbert Ray was sure upset.
“I can’t believe you drank the
whole goblet of wine. I’ve never been so embarrassed. I just hope Father
Gregory can get the wine out of his robe.”
John Clayton smiled, looked kinda
funny, and said, “Might just become a Catholic, Herbert Ray.”
“What? Are you nuts? After what
you did, they probably wouldn’t let you even come back in the church.”
Well, John Clayton didn’t seemed
bothered one little bit about drinking the whole goblet of wine. In fact, he
started whistling as we were walking along. Now, I’ve heard John Clayton
whistle, but it’s usually to call dogs. Heck, he weren’t calling dogs now. It
was some song that I couldn’t figure out, at least I couldn’t until he started
singing it. ’Course, John Clayton really can sing. In fact he’s usually picked
to be the singer in all the school plays, but he has never, never sang
“Chattanooga Choo Choo” while walking down Main Street. Naw, wait a minute, he
wasn't just walking, he was doing a choo-choo-like little dance, moving like a
train as pumped his hands.
“What are you doing? What’s wrong
with you?” I said. John Clayton looked at me and said, “Choo-choo, baby,
choo-choo!” Shoot, his eyes had a glassy look like he’d been slapped alongside his
head, and he was popping his lips up and down between the singing of
“Chattanooga Choo Choo.”
Heck, people were starting to
stare at John Clayton, who now had begun to roar down the street like a runaway
train. Then I thought about the big goblet of wine. Yeah, the little idiot is
drunk! I thought. Shoot, trying to get a 13-year-old drunk down Main Street
without people thinking he needed to be committed, was really hard to do.
What was really embarrassing was
when we met some adult, and if it was a woman, John Clayton would bow and say,
“My dear, you look loverly.” Or if it was a man he’d say something like, “Good
morning, sir. Nice to see you again.” And then he’d stick out his hand, and
then when the man stuck out his hand, John Clayton would switch hands. And if
one of us didn’t grab him, he’d keep doing it until the man stomped off.
Listen, the way folks were
looking at him, I figured somebody was gonna send for a net and wagon to haul
him off. We finally made it to the Ritz Theater, and I ran up and bought three
tickets, and pulled John Clayton into the lobby. I figured he’d sober up by the
time the double feature was over.
As we were about to go into the
theater, I saw Old Man Slater, the theater manager, heading our way. Well, I
knew why he was coming over to talk with us. It was gonna be another warning
about playing some of our tricks in the theater. You know like having an
owl-hooting contest—stuff like that.
“Listen up, you Norphlet boys: I
don’t want any trouble out of you.” He was still shaking his bony finger at us
when John Clayton saluted, got down on his knees, and started wailing, “Yas,
sur, yas, sur, but please don’t beat me again! I promise we won’t sneak in no
more. Looky here, we done bought tickets today.”
Well, it was really funny, and
then John Clayton started to kiss his shoes. Gosh, kids were all around us
laughing like crazy, and I was trying to pull John Clayton up off the floor.
Old Man Slater was so shocked he just stood there until I finally pulled John
Clayton up, and with Herbert Ray on one side and me on the other, we dragged
our friend into the theater, while he started singing “Chattanooga Choo Choo”
again, waving his arms like he was some famous singer.
That part was really, really
embarrassing for us—having to walk with John Clayton skipping down a dark
theater aisle, bouncing off both sides while crooning. Heck, he stopped about
halfway down the aisle and announced, “I
can out-sing anybody in the theater.” Shoot, he’d just got that out of his
mouth, when a half-bag of popcorn hit him alongside his head.
“Who did that?” he yelled.
“Me, and if you don’t sit down,
that ain’t all that's gonna hit you.”
Wow, it was a kid about twice the
size of John Clayton, and I grabbed John Clayton’s arm and started to pull him
down the aisle.
“You and what army? We’ll stomp
you sorry ass if you say another word!” John Clayton shouted.
We? I thought.
Oh my gosh, the big kid was
trying to get out to the aisle. Heck, Herbert Ray got on one side of John
Clayton and I got on the other, and we dragged John Clayton down front. After
he sat down and the picture show started, I figured everything was gonna be
okay, but I was wrong. About half-way through the Lash LaRue serial, John
Clayton leaned over and whispered to me, “I’m gonna throw up.”
Gosh, I had been leaning back
really enjoying Lash LaRue, until I heard those words.
“Come on, Herbert Ray! Let’s get
out of here. Hurry! Hurry!”
“What? Why?”
Well, I didn’t have to tell
Herbert Ray what was about to happen ’cause just then John Clayton vomited like
a fire hose all over two rows of seats, and you could have heard kids scream
halfway to Norphlet. Heck, I was running up the aisle like the place was on
fire, and I didn’t stop until I got to the back row. Me and Herbert Ray slipped
in there and hunkered down, while all the kids down front gagged and yelled.
Shoot,
when Old Man Slater heard all the racket, he hightailed
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