Ask The Richard

To The Richard:

Why have we lost the tomato wars? What happen to all the Bradley Pinks? The tomatoes we get now have cardboard like skin, and they taste as if they came straight from California.

Brenda Cowslip

Jersey, AR

Possible answers:

(1) The University of Arkansas, operating under a six-hundred million dollar grant to develop a tomato that would bounce when dropped from a three-story building,—managed to do it.

(2) It has been documented that the first cardboard tomatoes appeared during the first year of the George W. Bush's presidency.

(3) The cardboard tomatoes are just an example of genetically engineered products. The Razorback Cheerleaders are to be next. The Alabama pom-pom girls have already been genetically engineered, and the results look very promising.

Answer: # 1. Actually, there is some truth in all of the above, but more blame must go to our fair University. The experiment to produce the durable Styrofoam tomatoes that could be reused as cups, and that could be grown in your garden, ended up as the noted Sty-fro-mater A little known fact is that the leftovers from River Market are sold to the Highway Department for pothole repair.

Ask The Richard

To The Richard:

I understand that in England they have something called the Department of People Who Walk Funny. Why can't we have similar departments?

Miss Susie Wiggles

Possum Trot, Arkansas

Dear Miss Wiggles:

You are very astute in your assessment of our need for additional state and federal departments. However, unbeknown to most of the public, many state and federal departments already have similar departments. I will list a few below.

(1) Under the Arkansas Facial Hair and Lip Enhancement Department there is a sub department called the Department of Eyelash Extension and Nail Color.

(2) The Arkansas Game and Fish Commission recently authorized a sub department called the Department of Lizards, Toads, and Bullfrogs. This department is also responsible for crawdads and salamanders, propagation and control.

(3) Another very active department, under the State Department of Natural Resources is  the sub Department of Home-made Whistles and Scarecrows, and this department is also the enforcement wing of the division and is responsible for making sure our discount stores have only Chinese products. 

South Arkansas a wilderness again?

To The Richard

I understand as South Arkansas continues to lose population it is in danger of becoming a wilderness again. Do you see any evidence of that happening?

Miss Donna Fay Triassic

Lost Valley, Arkansas

Dearest Donna Fay;

You bet I do. Listed below are several items that might show a trend toward South Arkansas becoming a wilderness.

(1) The state legislature will consider a bill to make L. A. (lower Arkansas) a territory again. Everything south of Fordyce will be known as the Territory of Lower Arkansas, and custom and immigration checkpoints will be manned along with border patrol stations.

(2) Sarah Palin has registered a homestead south of Luann.

(3) Two Red Wolf packs have returned and are terrorizing Hampton. Beavers have dammed the Ouachita River just north of Camden, and Kudzu has enveloped Bradley County.

(4) El Dorado will become the territorial capital next year, and the local Sons of Confederate veterans, Three Creeks chapter, will man all police stations and border crossings.

Answer: All of the above; welcome to L. A.