thenorphletpaperboy: The Yankee Doctor---excerpt from the funniest of t...

thenorphletpaperboy: The Yankee Doctor---excerpt from the funniest of t...:   Yes, The Yankee Doctor is by all accounts the most popular and funniest of the 12 Richard, the Norphlet Paperboy books. Here I am at El Do...

The Yankee Doctor---excerpt from the funniest of the bunch

  Yes, The Yankee Doctor is by all accounts the most popular and funniest of the 12 Richard, the Norphlet Paperboy books. Here I am at El Dorado High School talking about my books.

The (Evil) Yankee Doctor and his nurse, Miss Tina---the boys are getting even!

“All right, Richard, but you better get ready ‘cause the last patient in the waitin’ room just went in.”

            Evidently that last patient didn’t have much wrong with him ‘cause it wasn’t ten minutes until he left Doctor Carl’s office, and Miss Tina stood up and slowly walked into the back office.

            “Now, let’s go, run, run!” I whispered.

            We dashed across the street, stoppin’ at the office door to look ‘round, to be sure nobody could see us, and as John Clayton held the door open, I ran in and dumped ‘bout 25 pounds of roaches on the floor behind Miss Tina’s desk. They were scurryin’ all over the office, climbin’ up the desk legs, and fannin’ out all ‘cross the floor by the time I got back to the door. The floor was almost a carpet of roaches.  I closed the door real softly, John Clayton jammed a flat piece of wood under the bottom of the door, and we started back toward the patch of weeds.

            “Hey, John Clayton,” I hissed as we ran, “I’ve still got quite a few roaches in this sack. I guess some of them held on to the sack when I tried to dump them out.”

            “Richard, look, that’s Doctor Carl’s car! See if it’s unlocked!” John Clayton whispered.

            “It’s unlocked!”

            “Dump the rest of the roaches in the car.”

            I opened the door and shook the tow sack real good. There were a lot more roaches in that sack than I thought. I shut the door, and we crouched in the patch of weeds waitin’ for Miss Tina to come back to the front office. In a couple of minutes roaches started climbin’ up the window and door facin and even though we were across the street crouched  down in a patch of weeds, we could see roaches all over the office.

            “Oh my God, John Clayton, there’re too many. They’re everywhere. I told you 25 pounds of roaches were too many!”

            “What? No, you didn’t. In fact, I had to stop you, or we’d have had 30 or 40 pounds of roaches.”

            We were in a panic now as we watched roaches climb up the plate glass window.

            My heart was beatin’ so hard I could hear it, and John Clayton started whinin’ ‘bout how much trouble we were gonna be in, and how that would get us sent straight to Reform School. Right at that moment I wanted more than anything else in the whole world just to have those roaches back in that tow sack.

            Well, we waited and waited and nothin’ happened. Where was Miss Tina?

            Evidently Miss Tina and Doctor Carl had a long talk or something, ‘cause she stayed and stayed in the back room.

            “Dang, Richard, maybe all the roaches will leave if she stays out a little longer. I sure hope so.”

            “Nahaa, they can’t go nowheres but in that one little room, and man, 25 pounds of roaches is a heck of a lot of roaches.”

            “Oh, oh, oh,” moaned John Clayton.

            Just then Miss Tina stepped out of the back room and started toward her desk. Her hair looked a little messed up and she was straightening her dress. I guess she didn’t look down or pay no attention to the floor ‘cause she just went straight back to her desk, sat down and started goin’ through some papers. Nothin’ happened at all. She just started workin’ and John Clayton and I looked at each other in shock.

            “Where are all the roaches,” I whispered.

            “Maybe they all ran off because she was in the back so long.”

            “Ahaaaaaaaa!”

Suddenly there was a hair-raisin’ scream, that you could’ve heard 10 miles away, and Miss Tina jumped up from her desk, slappin’ her legs, and dancin’ ‘round while she screeched at the top of her lungs.

“Ahaaaaa, help, help, ahaaaaaa, Carl, come here! There’re roaches everywhere! Ahaaaaaaa, oh, Carl, they’re on my legs! Ahaaaaaaa!”

She pulled her skirt all the way up to her panties to slap one of the faster roaches as she screamed and jumped ‘round the office. Heck, I know I was upset ‘bout puttin’ too many roaches in that office, but shoot, after Miss Tina went just wild, I  rolled over laughin’ so hard I thought I’d bust a gut.

            Her screams brought Doctor Carl autta his office, and he saw the roaches right off ‘cause Miss Tina was yellin’ ‘bout ‘em and pointin’ to the roach carpet on the floor, while she was dancin’ ‘round. Doctor Carl stood there for a minute like he didn’t know what to make of it, and before he could move a bunch of roaches ran up his shoe and right up his pants leg.

“Oh, oh, whooooo, one of them is up my pants leg,” he yelled.

We could see the whole thing as we crouched there in the weeds. Shoot, in all my born days I’ve never seen nothin’ like it. That office was just goin’ plum crazy, and now Doctor Carl was shoutin’ some words that was so bad you wouldn’t believe it.

“Come here, Tina, let’s get out of here.”

            Doctor Carl grabbed Miss Tina by the hand and ran for the door, but he didn’t take two steps until he slipped from steppin’ on the roach carpet. He took Miss Tina down with him and for a minute they was a big pile of arms and legs with roaches runnin’ all over ‘em. Miss Tina let out a scream to end all screams as they scrambled to their feet, cursin’ loudly, slappin’ roaches off as they slipped ‘round on the slick floor. Doctor Carl finally grabbed the door knob. We could hear him from across the street.

            “Ahaaaaa, damn, this door won’t open!” he screamed as he yanked and pulled with Miss Tina yellin’ in his ear to let her out of that office or she was gonna die.

            “Carl! Carl! They’re up my leg again! Ahaaaaaa! They’re in my hair!”

Doctor Carl pushed and pulled that door so hard that he slipped down again. He jumped up and yelled at Miss Tina.

            “Tina, get away from the door!”

            Then Doctor Carl picked up one of the chairs from the waitin’ room and threw it through the door glass. He stepped through the broken glass and managed to pull out the board we’d put under the door, and finally they both ran out still slappin’ at roaches.

            “Tina, quick, get in the car!” he yelled.

            When he said that, John Clayton and I looked at each other and almost split from just thinkin’ ‘bout Miss Tina jumpin’ in Doctor Carl’s big car which was full of roaches. We could see ‘em stickin’ to the car windows from across the street.

            Miss Tina pulled her skirt down, and she and Doctor Carl ran over to Doctor Carl’s car. They opened the doors and jumped in.

            “Ahaaaaa! Ahaaaaaa!”

            Miss Tina let out another ear piercing scream and another and another.

“Car, this car is full of roaches!” screamed Miss Tina as she frantically tried to get out. Well, Miss Tina was pretty fast gettin’ autta that car, but since she had sat down on top of maybe 30 or 40 roaches a bunch of them got out of the car with her hangin’ on to her skirt, and a few managed somehow to get in that funny colored red hair. Doctor Carl was cursin’ and yellin’ like nothin’ I’ve ever heard, while he knocked roaches off his suit, but Miss Tina was a whole ‘nother thing. I thought for a minute she had totally lost it as she danced and screamed while tryin’ to rid herself of the more active roaches.

“Carl, help; get this damn roach out of my hair,” she screamed.

Doctor Carl slapped a really big one right above Miss Tina’s ear and roach gunk splattered everywhere.

“Oh, oh, damn you, Carl! Now I’ve got roach guts in my hair!”

Finally, they both knocked off the last of the roaches. Miss Tina was cryin’ hysterically. Doctor Carl grabbed her by the hand and they hurriedly walked ‘round the block. I was sure they were goin’ to look for Curly.

            “Come on, John Clayton, let’s get out of here. Grab that piece of wood you put under the door, and run for the back of Echols Grocery. Here, Sniffer, come on boy, let’s go.” John Clayton grabbed the plank he had shoved under the door, and we high-tailed it to the back door of Echols’s Grocery.