Part two---funniest writing

Me and John Clayton stood there and talked until about 6:15, and then I told him to go find Ears and meet me at the side door of the church. In a couple of minutes John Clayton walked up with Ears, and I pulled Ears aside.

            “Listen, Ears, we’ve got a great trick planned for that idiot, Homer Ray, and we want you to help.”

            “Homer Ray? You betcha I’ll help. I hate that sorry kid.”

            “Well, Ears, we’ll tell you everything when you get back from talking with Homer Ray.”

            “What? Why do you want me to go talk to Homer Ray?”

            “Well, Ears, if me or John Clayton tells him anything, he won’t believe us ‘cause we’re always pullin’ stuff on him.”

            “Okay, what do you want me to tell him?”

            “Just say this, ‘Homer Ray, you know that if you ain’t really saved the blood will get you.’ “Then give him a real weird look.”

            “Huh?”

            “What the heck does ‘The blood will get you’ mean?”

            “We’ll, tell you when you get back, and Homer Ray won’t know either until…“ and I started laughing.

            “Okay, get goin’, Ears.”

            Ears slipped in the side door, and sure enough Homer Ray was standing there at the steps to the baptistery wearing his white baptismal robe waiting for Brother Taylor.

            “Homer Ray,” whispered Ears, “remember, if you ain’t really saved, the blood’ll get you.”

            “What? What in the hell are you talking about, Ears?”

            Well, Ears just gave Homer Ray this spooky look and walked away with Homer Ray still asking him what he meant.

            We were just about ready to go into the church when Rosalie and Freckles came walking down the sidewalk heading for the front door of the church.

            “Richard, I gotta tell Freckles. Shoot, I don’t want her to get upset with me if she finds out we did the blood trick.”

            “No, you ain’t ‘bout to tell her, ‘cause she’ll blab it to Rosalie, and Miss Goody Two-Shoes will go straight to Brother Taylor. You’ll blow the whole trick if you tell Freckles.”

            “Dang, Richard, what if she gets upset when she sees the water turn red?”

            “Ah, you worry too much, John Clayton. Take my word for it, she’ll just think it’s the funniest thing she ever did see, and she’ll think you’re great for being part of the trick.”

            Well, John Clayton kinda whined like he was still scared the trick was gonna upset Freckles, who he had started liking, but he and Ears followed me around back, and we slipped in the side door of the church and got right down front on the front row. Heck, this was the first time in our whole entire lives that any of us had ever sat on the front seat of the church, but we were so excited about what was about to happen that we didn’t want to miss nothing. I looked over to my right, and there was Freckles and Rosalie sitting with a bunch of other girls on the front row of the side pew, and then I looked toward the back of the church where Connie was sitting, and she shook her head at me. That made me a little worried, but heck, just thinking about what was about to happen had me snickering.

            The baptistery in our church is about four feet deep with steps going down each side and in the front it’s glass for about two feet where you can see the person when they go under the water. We settled down and the organ began to play, “Are You Washed in the Blood,” and I couldn’t believe it. Heck, it was just like the organist was in on the trick. Well, after playing through that song our song leader asked everyone to stand and we sang another song ‘bout a fountain filled with blood, then another verse ‘bout being washed in the blood. Course, every time me and John Clayton sang out “blood,” it came out as a laugh or snicker. Heck, we were just about to he-haw by the time we finished singing those songs. I looked over at the girls, and they was smiling and singing their little hearts out, just like girls do at revivals when they’re trying to show off and act real religious. Then we were seated, and the lights went off in the back of the church, and Brother Taylor turned on a real bright one over the baptistery.

            I was holding my breath as Homer Ray came sloshing in from one side nearly splashing water over the top, and Brother Taylor came in from the other and met him in the middle of the baptistery. Everything looked normal, and Brother Taylor started in talking about baptism and how Homer Ray was gonna be washed white as snow by the blood of the lamb. Well, when Brother Taylor said “Blood of the Lamb” me and John Clayton started snickering again, and then Brother Taylor started talking about how the blood of Jesus was shed for us and then started asking Homer Ray the salvation questions. We were watching the water, but nothing seemed to be happening. Then Brother Taylor grabbed Homer Ray for the first of three dippings.

            “In the name of the Father!” and swoosh, Homer Ray went under and came up with a splash that almost sent water over the top of the baptistery. “Heck, that food dye ain’t strong enough to turn the water red,” I thought.

            “In the name of the Son!”

            This time when Homer Ray went under, I thought the water was looking kinda funny. Homer Ray came up spitting water, and then, just as Brother Taylor was about to grab him for the third dunking, Homer Ray looked down at his white baptistery robe, which was turning red, and then he looked at the water and at Brother Taylor’s sleeves which were now red. Gosh, I looked at Homer Ray’s light bond hair and it was red.

            Well, what happened then was really something to see. Brother Taylor didn’t seem to see the red water, and he was reaching for Homer Ray for the third dunking, when Homer Ray let out a yell like nothing you’ve ever heard.

            “Ahaaaaaaa! Blood! Blood! The water’s done turned to blood! The blood is gonna get me! Ahaaaaaaaa! Eyeeeeeeeeee!”

            I glanced over to where the girls were seated, and they had their hands over their mouths in shock.

            Well, we were trying to hold back a huge laugh, and I almost died trying to keep from just hoo-hawing. Brother Taylor never got to dunk Homer Ray that last time because Homer Ray bolted outta that baptistery like a scalded dog, and you could hear him still yelling as he ran outta the church. Course, I thought that’d be it, and Brother Taylor would come on out of the baptistery and preach his usual hour long sermon, but, holy cow, before he could come out, people kinda made a big gasp all over the church and then Brother Taylor looked around and realized all the baptistery water was red and so was his robe. I guess he thought it was a major miracle straight from God. Course, everybody in the church saw Brother Taylor’s white robe and baptistery water turn red, then, whoa, hold on to your horses, because they was just one loud “Ohooooooooo!” and things just got wild, and people started shouting, waving their hands, and going on like an out-of -control revival.

Heck, I looked around, and just plain old church members that had never even said “Amen” in church was wailing and shouting like Jesus was in that baptistery, and then I glanced over to where the girls were sitting, and they were just slap-dab frozen in their seats.

Heck, this whole thing was getting outta hand and John Clayton was pulling on my sleeve saying, “Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Look what you’ve caused, Richard!”

“Shut up, John Clayton!”

 Well, I didn’t have time to say nothing else because you could hear people shouting, “Blood! It’s blood! The water’s done turned to blood!” Wow, folks started hitting the floor, swooning or praying or just scared outta their wits. There was a rush up and down the aisle, and ‘bout 50 people ran out of the church screaming like the Devil had got them, and Brother Taylor wasn’t helping none.

“Brothers! Sisters!” he yelled from the baptistery, “The Lord has touched us tonight!”

Then he held up his hands, which really did look like blood was dripping off them, and everyone could see his baptistery robe was red. My gosh, in my wildest dreams I never expected nothing like what swept over that church. Course, Brother Taylor started yelling halleluiahs and praying like a possessed man, holding his hands up, and then he said in the most booming voice, “Judgment Day! Judgment Day! The Lord is coming! The Lord is coming! He’ll be here in an instant! It’s the Second Coming! I can almost hear the trumpets! Lord, come take us away!” Then he said something that I’ll bet he regretted.

“The Lord is coming! Repent! Repent! Come and confess your sins! Judgment is coming, right here—tonight!”

Whoa, he shouldn’t have said that because evidently a bunch of folks in the church wasn’t ready for the judgment of the Lord to come, and they started shouting, “Oh, save me, Lord! Save me, Lord,” and then old Miss Parson, who’s about 106, lay down on the Lord’s supper table, held up her hands, and screamed, “Take me to heaven, Lord!”

Well, that was wild enough, but then a bunch of people started repenting---you know—confessing their sins out loud, heck, shouting their confessions as loud as they could, like the Lord was deaf or something. I thought Norphlet was a quiet little town where people just went about their business, but when them confessions started rolling out, I knew real quickly that there was stuff going on that I didn’t have a clue about. Things kinda went crazy for a couple of minutes; then the Chairman of Deacons, Claude McAlister stood up and said, “Oh, Lord, forgive me!” and when he said that everybody got real quiet for just a second. Then he said in his loud, squeaky voice, “I’ve been sleeping with……” I didn’t catch the last part, but evidently a bunch of folks did because there was this big gasp, and then, heck, they was a stampede of people heading down front to pray, and Brother Taylor started outta the baptistery. Then, when he was coming up the steps, he looked down and saw the jar that had the red food coloring in it. There was a little bit left, and he picked up the jar, shook his head, and headed for the pulpit.

When Brother Taylor came down outta the baptistery he had to come in the side door and walk right past the row of girls sitting on the side front row, and he was in such a hurry to get into the church and tell everybody it was food coloring that he just ran in swinging his arms and yelling to get everybody’s attention. Heck, he sure got those girls’ attention when he burst through that door in that red baptistery robe with red food  coloring dripping off of it. Them girls were just plastered back against that pew with their mouths open. Well, all that arm waving by Brother Taylor slung red food coloring all over that row of girls, which they thought was blood, and you should have heard them scream.

Shoot, I looked at Rosalie, and that red food coloring was dripping off her nose, and then, after another set of screams, the girls scattered like a covey of quail.

            Heck, me, John Clayton, and Ears had been standing there with our mouths open, just watching everything, and John Clayton was going on and on about what we had caused. Heck, we couldn’t take none of it back now, so I knew the time had come to bail outta the church.

“Come on, get outta here!” I whispered to Ears and John Clayton as I scooted out of my seat. We hit the back door of the church running before anybody could look around and point any fingers.